Stories That Never Get Told

An Open Letter to My Friends and Family

I wish we weren't speaking on terms such as these. I wish I wasn't standing in front of you with tears streaming down my face, but I cannot control this just as I cannot control the weather. Please stay seated, it is hard enough to be standing here but this has to be said.

My knees are shaky because I've been carrying this weight on my shoulders for far too long. My hands are sweaty because I am nervous even though I know I am in a room filled with love. My voice is breaking because I don't know if I have the strength to say the things that I need to. I hope you know that I never wanted to hurt you, to upset you, or break your heart... but these things I'm things I'm about to tell you, they need to be said. No matter how badly you don't want to hear them, or how badly I wish I didn't have to speak them.

My heart is hurting in way that I didn't know was possible, and the pain is near crippling. My eyes can barely stand to look at themselves in the mirror because they fear what they may see. They hate what they know they will see. My brain conjures up a false illusion of me that has me gasping for breath and wanting to be as far from a reflective surface that I can be. Perhaps not seeing is better than just a quick glimpse. I cover up the mirrors in my room as I cannot stand to look at the girl staring back at me.

In the morning, when all of you are bustling around desperate to be ready on time, I am struggling to lift myself out of bed. I get ready in five minutes each morning because I believe that no matter how hard I try I will never be able to look good. Bony fingers run through stringy hair in a weak attempt to make it look passable. You commend me on my speedy dressing, but don't bother to look at how I really look.

I look at you and I shrink further into myself. I will never be as pretty as you. I will never be as great as you. I will never be as accomplished as you. I will never be as beautiful as you are on both the inside and the outside. Perhaps you think the same about the people that you see, but when I look at you it as if I am staring into the sun and I am just a bug basking in the warmth.

I will pick you up when you are hurting, and whisper everything about you that I find beautiful because I know how desperate some people can be to hear it. I will try to seal the cracks in your broken hearts with my love. I will let you know six times a day that you are beautiful because you have been and always will be to me. Inside and out. I look at all of you and I see the things that I can never be. I see the kindness in your actions that sends my heart into a flutter. I see the helpfulness to strangers that I try desperately to imitate. I see a light in your soul that shines so damn bright that I may become blind.

When I am down to my last two percent (which happens more than I would like to admit), when I am dragging myself out of my bend with unkempt hair that looks as if I spent the night drinking, speaking nothing but vile things to myself; you brush right over me and quickly change the subject. Unlike the soothing words I speak to you, you speak nothing to me but mumbled excuses of maybe later. When my heart is breaking, I am left holding it in my hands fighting desperately to keep it from falling apart. I don't need to be told I'm beautiful, let's face it I would never believe you, but maybe I would like to hear you tell me that I will be okay.

I would give anything to hear you say that this chub on my thighs and stomach is not as disgusting as I am lead to believe. That this smile of mine, though crooked and small, is a special part of me. My large nose doesn't define who I am just as my accent doesn't either. That you like the way my eyes sparkle when the sun hits them just right. Maybe you think I tell these things to myself, but trust me when I say I do not. I remind myself that this extra weight of me is unappealing and no man will ever love me, I remind myself that my nose is broken and so ugly that it needs to be changed. To me my smile is a hideous thing that must be hidden away. I should never speak because the way I sound will make you think I do not know how to speak. My eyes are dull, and will never be worth looking at. I am not kind, forgiving, or helpful. I am not smart, loving, or warm.

Maybe it's too much to ask, maybe it is selfish and vain, or maybe I just look worse than I think I do, but for once I'd love for someone to look at me and tell me I am beautiful. I'd love for you to smooth away these wrinkles on my forehead from the stress and the worry, to smile at me like I am your first drink of water in this barren waste land, or just to tell me that I am going to be just fine. To hear that I am; smarter than I think, stronger than my heart believes, brave enough to face everything that terrifies the hell out of me, special enough to be deserving of the love that you have so freely given me.

My heart is hurting, my brain is whirling, my lungs are struggling to expand, but goddamnit, I just want to be enough.

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[[ While this certainly didn't go down in so many words, it is a topic that I have heard and had so many times that my heart aches just thinking about it. I talk to both men and women every day that believe that they are not good enough or that they aren't beautiful. They go every day with so little self worth that I am amazed that they can get out of bed. I know how hard it is because I am one of those people. I understand because I've been there. I am still there. I may always be there.

I know I'm just a stranger to you but what I am telling you is the truth: you are so beautiful that you blind me, you are more than enough. Loving yourself isn't as easy as everyone says, and I know that you know that, but please know that I love you. Inside and out you are beautiful to me in every way. You are so special, so brilliant, and so very talented. Don't let this disgusting world dull that shine or yours, go out and let the world see it. 

I know hardly anyone reads these ramblings of mine, but just in case someone needs to hear it...

I hope I managed to convey my thought process clearly. ]]