HAKUOUKI: Back in Time

Chapter 65

~Why not listen to music while you read?~

March 1868

After Saito and I returned from the defeat at Koufu Castle, we made our way back to the Hatamoto mansion in Edo that had become the Shinsengumi's headquarters. We didn't have to wait long before the rest joined us. Kondou and Hijikata, however, took somewhat longer.

Nagakura and Harada's frustration had not cooled; if anything, it now burned all the hotter. These men had been friends and comrades since before the Shinsengumi was even formed, but now, they were at each other's throats. Saito and I tried our best to ignore whatever division was forming and busied ourselves with whatever else we could find.

Then finally, one day...

"Well, it's been fun. Try not to cry too much after we're gone!"

"You two are really leaving."

Noticing my the sound of disappointment in my tone, Harada spoke up. "Well, it had to happen someday. Still, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't gonna miss you guys."

Chizuru, who was also in the conversation finally decided to intervene at this point. "You really don't think you might be able to compromise with Kondou or something? Can't you talk it out?"

"We've already tried to talk it out. It's not working. Hell, last time I just about socked him. Good thing I didn't have my sword on me.

"Hey Shinpachi, you forget the Rules of Conduct? No fighting other members."

"Whoops! Wait. We aren't captains anymore! That crap doesn't apply to us!"

They were just as glib and lighthearted as they had always been. It was hard to believe that they were really leaving us. "Why are you going?"

Huh? Well... I mean, it's complicated..." Nagakura scratched his nose and furrowed his brow. When he spoke, it was haltingly, as if he wasn't quite sure of himself. "It's not like we're pussing out cause it looks like we can't win the fight against the Imperial Army. I mean, we haven't had an guarantees  we'll live another day since Shiei Hall... How do I put it... It's like, if we stay here and this keeps up, then what we've been doing with our lives isn't gonna mean what we've wanted.

"Hmm?" I was confused?

He frowned and rubbed his head, deep in thought. Whatever his reason, he was sure of them. It was just communicating them that was difficult. "Kondou and Hijikata have always wanted to be real samurai, but I never really cared about that. I just can't get my head around busting ass for some lord I didn't even choose. How am I supposed to risk my neck for a guy like that? I don't mind getting shot at by those rebel punks and I'm not scared of getting cut open. It's just that... I don't wanna be dying and think, 'Damn, I wish I'd done that thing differently.' You know?"

Saito's head jerked up almost involuntarily. His features smoothed out again almost immediately, but there had been something in Nagakura's words that had spoken to him.

"Do you feel the same way, Harada?" I asked, turning my body to face him.

"The same way? Ah, come on... Don't lump me in with some jackass who ran away from his domain and his easy stable life so that he could practice sword fighting. You'll make me sad."

"Shut it Sano! You left your domain too!"

Harada lowered his voice and leaned in closer to me. "To be honest with you... I feel like I can't look at Kondou the way I used to these days."

"What do you mean?"

"How do I explain... It's like he's a kid who just got a toy he really wants but he doesn't even know how it works. Back when we were at Shiei Hall, or even when we were in Kyoto cuttin' people up, I thought... Well, I never thought he'd end up like this."

My heart sank with every word Harada spoke. The more they said, the clearer it became that their minds were set. There was nothing anyone could do to make them stay.

"Anyway, we're still gonna be out there kicking Imperial Army ass."

"That's right. It's not like we'll never see each other again, so stop giving me that look."

"I guess you're right..." I wanted to believe that we would see each other again but I couldn't shake off the historical information I learned back in school. I had a feeling that we were saying our final good byes.

"Well, it's time we were on our way."

"Wait, I'll walk you out.

"Nah, don't worry about it. Besides, if you do that, it'll be even harder to say goodbye."

After being silent the whole conversation, Saito finally looked up and spoke. "It's no trouble. We'll see you out."

Nagakura and Harada shrugged, and Saito, Chizuru, and I accompanied them to the front gate.

"Be careful alright? Promise?" I was worried. I prayed that what history told me would not be true.

"Sure thing. I promise." Harada had already started out when Nagakura stopped, and turned to look back at us. He paused for a moment, then walked back to Saito, his face serious.

"You plan on staying here forever, Saito?"

"Yes." There was no hesitation in his voice. "As a man who was been exiled from his domain, this is the only place where I can live as a warrior."

Nagakura frowned. He opened his mouth to say something, stopped, then started again. "Maybe you shouldn't think of yourself as someone who got exiled from his domain."

"What do you mean?"

"Just look at it like... you quit. You resigned from your post because you were serving under a guy who didn't deserve you. You pick your swords, or your clothes, or hell, even your wife right? Then tell me why you shouldn't choose your own lord, hmm?"

"Knock it off, Shinpachi. Not everybody's a dangerous subversive, you know. Stop trying to preach the guy."

"Hey, I'm just trying to help!"

"Yeah, yeah. If we keep talking like this we're never gonna leave. Let's go!" 

They waved goodbye to us and then Nagakura and Harada were gone. Chizuru went back inside to prepare dinner for tonight. Once she was gone, I glanced over at Saito. His face was as unreadable as ever, but his eyes stayed fixed on his two former comrades as they walked away. Minutes passed before he finally spoke, his voice quiet. "Shall we go back?" He sounded calm and collected, like he always did, but hidden in his words was a tiny hint of loneliness.

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