HAKUOUKI: Back in Time

Chapter 72

~Why not listen to music while you read?~

Several sets of eyes turned to stare at me. The most stunned were Saito's. I seemed to have shocked his earlier tears right out of them. He still said nothing, but the unspoken question on his face was clearly, "Why?"

You have been listening right? This place is going to turn into a slaughter house. If you stay, there's a pretty good chance you're going to die a horrible death. Are you sure about this?"

"I am, Hijikata." I looked at him straight into his eyes. I couldn't say I wasn't scared, terrified even. But the thought of never being able to see Saito again... 

"Well... I guess I shouldn't ask why." Hijikata's eyes flicked to Saito, who simply stood in silence and glared at me. "Right... Well, you two talk it out. Change your mind and you can catch up to us later."

He gave me a pat on the shoulder, then turned to Shimada, Heisuke, and Chizuru and walked off down the road. Saito waited until their footsteps had faded before he began to speak.

"...Why did you do that?" I hadn't heard him speak so coldly in such a long time. I simply had no words to say and simply stared into his eyes. "It's not too late. You can still catch up to Hijikata."

"No..."

His voice cooled even further. "Were you listening to what he said to you? Aizu will become a battlefield. There is not guarentee that we will survive. If you stay here, you'll die in vain."

I looked back at him and suddenly, my fear vanished. "Saito, you're planning to die here, aren't you?" Instead of reponding, he leaned back and regarded me with an expression I couldn't quite decipher. I didn't think he would lie to me since dishonesty wasn't in his character. But I wasn't sure what he would do.

"...What if I told you that I was?"

I had no illusions about the connections between Saito and myself. Whatever thread might have bound us to one another was very, very thin. We made no plans or promises about the future and to be perfectly honest, I didn't even know what he thought of me. But I did know that when we talked on occasion, during those brief moments, I felt that I had caught a glimpse of his heart. I didn't now if that gave me the right to say what I was about to, but I had little to lose and I knew it might be my last chance.

"I told you I would stay with you then. I want to be with you until...until the end."

The ice returned to his gaze. "Because I saved your life? I was only doing as Hijikata had ordered me to. That was my duty, nothing more. You would be a child and fool to put your life in danger for that. Now leave."

It was clear enough of what he expected me to do, but I stood my ground. "No. I don't just want to stay with you because you saved my life."

"Then why?" I let his words hang in the air before I spoke.

"...Do you really not want me here?" Looking in those cold angry eyes was no easy task, but I had to know. Saito had once told me that he could look into someone's eyes and know if the words they spoke were true. He stared at me fr seconds that seemed like hours before he finally turned away. When he spoke, his voice was a hoarse whisper.

"...I don't want you to die."

Something deep in my heart told me he was speaking the truth.

"And I don't want you to die either. But... I understand that you might. This is a desperate battle. I also understand that if you abandoned the Aizu now, you'd never forgive yourself. So whatever happens... to us. I want to share it. I know I'm probably being a little forward... I mean, I don't even know how you feel..."

For a long time, Saito said nothing. I suspected he was thinking of all the ways he might try to convince me to change my mind and go back to Hijikata, but at last, he sighed and looked away. "I'm not as strong of a man as you think I am. I don't know how to figure out what's right and what's wrong. Even now, there's a part of me that wants to forget about the Aizu and run off after Hijikata. If I hurried, I could probably still catch up to them... I don't know if I'll be able to maintain control once I get injured, or find death staring me in the face, or feel the blood lust take over me. But I want to take my last breath as a warrior. I want to go bravely into the next world just like Kondou did. If I am to have any hope of doing so, then I must do what my heart tells me is right. That is why I chose to stay in Aizu."

There was more emotion in his voice than usual and he sounded almost confused, as if he was not used to speaking so freely. This, I thought, must be the real Saito.

"...However, if to you I seem to be a perfect warrior who has no weaknesses... Then there is no reason for you to see how ugly I will become. Better we part now. ...Go. You shouldn't have to see the truth." His voice was only above a whisper, but it hit me with the force of a scream. 

I didn't move. "I never expected you to always be right... If you have suffered through the agony of your choice and still made it, then that's enough for me Whatever happens, you'll never be ugly to me. So please, let me stay with you."

I could see the frustration in his face, as well as surprise. I thought perhaps he would simply grab me by the wrist and drag me back to Hijikata. He leaned in toward me suddenly and I jumped as his hand took hold of my shoulder and drew me close to him. We looked into one another's eyes, our faces only inches apart. I could feel his ragged breath on my skin. His arms shook an when I looked at him, I sensed... fear.

"That is your answer then?" His eyes drilled into my own, his voice hung on every word he spoke. "You swear that you will not regret this choice? That the words you have spoken are what you feel is right?" His eyes were so deep and I could feel them taking in every part of me, looking for any sign that what I said next was not the truth.

I had never seen him look at me that way before. "Yes. I want to be with you." I looked into the eyes of the man I loved and smiled. His eyes suddenly glistened with unshed tears and for moment, he looked like he was both laughing and crying at once.

"...Your eyes tell the truth. You speak from the heart, no, from the soul." He let out a long sigh of relief and leaned in closer. I could feel his breath as the distance closed, but the moment before our lips meant, he hesitated. Perhaps he was reminding himself of the words we'd just spoken. I couldn't say. But he seemed to make up his mind and closed those last few fractions of an inch.

At last, our lips met. I had never kissed a man. I felt my heart pounding in my chest and suddenly it was hard to breathe. But it felt... nice. His lips shook as they pressed against mine but not with fear or anger. I wanted to believe that is kiss promised great thing for us, but the future was still a mystery. Before us lies a battle, but perhaps beyond that...

His warmth filled my entire body and I felt my love for him reflect back with equal intensity. Our souls were one. That alone made us happy enough to forget the death that very likely awaited us on the fields of Aizu.

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