broken inside ↯frerard

Dead Inside

•Frank p.o.v.•

I wake up groggily, yawning and rubbing my half open eyelids.

Once fully awake, I take in my surroundings.

Me and Gerard are naked.

Gerard's arm is wrapped around my waist, his light snores fulling the room, comforting for me.

I slowly pick up his arm and shuffle out of the bed, kissing his hand before leaving.

I walk towards the buckets, wanting to refresh myself.

Dipping my hands into the plastic deep bowl, I wash my face, making my vision better.

I go over to the couch and sit down quietly, not wanting to disturb Gerard.

I sit there, just thinking about life, once more.

The last time I have done this was when I was with.... Ray.

The thought of Ray suddenly drained all the energy out of me and made my eyes water.

Ray, my best friend, is dead.

I still can't process that, just the thought makes me want to go back in time, to be with Ray again.

But Gerard has taken such good care of me, if it wasn't for him, I would've been beat, rapped, and probably killed.

I deserved whatever would be happened though.. I am still pretty fucking useless.

Smiling is a pretty easy thing to do, but I have to put so much effort in it sometimes..

I look at my wrists and see that the purple has faded away, just a little red.

As I glance downwards towards my forearm, I see the small scars, not visible, only if you knew I cut.

Gerard hasn't seen them yet, what would he say?

Would he still like a freak like me?

A tear spills on my forearm, landing on a small scar.

I silently look at my arm as more tears spill onto it.

I deserve this, I don't deserve his affection.

Slowly getting up, I put on my clothes and shoes, careful not to wake him.

Once done, I tip-toe towards the door, grabbing the door knob.

I take one glance back at him, and another tear escapes my eyes.

He looks like an angel, he doesn't deserve something like me.

I open the door slowly, and creak it shut, going down the stairs as silently and fast as I could.

I go through the tunnel, crying as I did.

To be honest, I cried the whole way towards the abandoned warehouse, the one with the broken window.

The window I broke.

I climb through it, now fully sobbing, making sure not to slip on the glass.

And just as I suspected, I see my bag at the corner, where me and Ray had our last conversation.

The last time I would ever spend time with him, my best friend.

I sobbed even harder, water pouring out of my eyes as I screamed, screamed as hard as I could.

Why.. Why did he have to go..

"I FUCKING LOVE YOU RAY!! YOU WERE.. ALWAYS THERE FOR ME.. YOU.. Y-YOU SAVED ME FROM KILLING MY-S-SELF!! I WANT YOU BACK.. CAUSE.. C-CAUSE I DON'T THINK I CAN HANDLE MUCH LONGER!! P-PLEASE.. BIG BROTHER.. MY DEAREST F-F-FRIEND.." I yelled and pulled my hair as I looked into the ceiling, speaking to Ray.

But I got no response, which made my heart ache.

I miss him.. So fucking much..

It's not the same..

I slowly crawled my way towards our bag, and opened it, holding my breath.

When opened, the first thing I could see, was Ray's shirt and extra pair of pants.

I cried immediately, sobbing as I clutched onto his Iron Maiden shirt he used to love.

I sniffed it a little, his scent hitting my nostrils and making me cry even more, missing him.

"R-RAY!" I yelled, desperate for him.

No response came.

I put the shirt on my lap, and dug through the bag, searching for what I came for.

My hands felt it, and as I pulled it out, there it was, on the palm of my hand, dearest nightmare.

I stared at the bag, biting my bottom lip, tears everywhere.

I kissed Ray's shirt as I put it back in our bag, leaning my back against the wall.

"I-I'm so sorry Ray.." I sniffed and opened the bag, a sob escaping my lips as it opened.

I put the bag upside down and shook it, and finally, the glorious terror fell onto my palm, another sob escaping.

I looked at it in disgusted love, and picked it up, making it shine in the sunlight coming through the shattered window.

"If only you were h-here Ray.. I'm so sorry.." I start to cry again, biting my lip harder as I brought my razor on my forearm.

"I'm so so so sorry.." I kept repeating as it inched closer, the metal touching my skin now.

I have been clean for so long, just because of Ray.. but he isn't here anymore..

I am not here anymore.

I close my eyes, biting my lip again, putting pressure onto the razor.

I gasp as it penetrates my skin, cutting through each layer, going deeper as I think about Ray, and life.

Ray was everything to me..

I am worthless, I have no future..

How can an angel love a creature like myself?

I don't deserve anything..

I am just used, and sometimes I still feel him ontop of me.

The only thing I deserve, is to die.

I scream in pain as I drag the razor on my forearm, blood quickly seeping through the cut.

The dark red fluid pours down my arm, splashing onto the floor, making a small puddle.

As tears come out of my eyes, I continue to do more, deep cuts.

"I" I cut.

"WANT" I cut.

"TO" I cut.

"DISAPPEAR!!" I do one final slash on my arm, feeling some blood on my finger tips, the razor soaked in it.

As I glance down, I prepare myself for the worst.

But nothing could prepare me, nothing.

My forearm is completely covered in blood, the 5 cuts really deep, so deep that you could see a tiny amount of flesh.

I gasp at this horrific sight and crush my wrist in pain, feeling the burns all over my arm.

"I... I'm so sorry.." I start to sob, some salty tears falling on my arm, making me flinch in pain.

I curl up into a ball, laying on the floor, just watching my arm bleed out, not caring if I did die.

I grab the bag right beside me and put the razor in there, clutching onto the bag once finished.

My blood drips down onto the dirty floor, sort of like a leaking drain.

I find comfort in it and slowly drift to sleep, wonderful darkness enveloping me.