Impossible to Foretell

Chapter 7: I Don't Sleep

When I opened my eyes in the morning, it was bright. The sun was up. Strange, I always wake up before dawn.

I looked over at the clock and the screen was black. Of all the nights that it could have run out of batteries, stupid thing. I pulled myself out of bed feeling groggy with over-sleep and shuffled into the kitchen. The clock on the oven read after eight. I can't remember the last time that I'd sleep this late. I'm a four-in-the-morning kind of person so this was absolutely shocking. I quickly changed into a fresh set of the standard ninja gear from after the war and grabbed an apple from the bowl on the counter.

It was one of the strangest feelings ever to arrive at around the same time as everyone else. People gave me shocked looks as I walked through the halls at such a late hour. Like I said, I'm always the first one here in the morning. If I wasn't in my office by five, then I'd have a panic attack.

Kakashi nearly had a heart attack right there when he turned down the hallway to see me unlocking the door of my office.

"Ka-Kaiyo?"

"What?" I snapped back. I was in no mood. I had already missed four hours of the day, and that was time that I could never make up.

"You're so..."

"Late?"

He walked up, recovering some from the shock that I had given him, "No, you're still early, technically. But it's just weird arriving here before you."

"Yay, I'm later than the infamously late Kakashi Hatake. What a joy."

"Are you alright? Did something happen?"

"Nothing but the batteries in my alarm clock dying while I slept."

He stared off into space deep in thought for a couple of seconds before looking right into my eyes, "Kaiyo, what time do you usually get up in the mornings?"

"Four. Why?"

"And did you leave last night at a normal time for you?"

"Yeah, what is this interrogation for?"

"That's only two hours of sleep every night!"

"And your point is?"

"Do you know how bad for your health that is? How can you even keep that up for an extended period of time?"

I shrugged, "I've been doing it for years now. Nothing a little black tea can't fix. Besides, if I want to get yelled at for my sleep schedule, I'll go see Sakura."

Kakashi put his face in his hands, "I was wondering how you get so much stuff done in a day, but it's because you work twenty-two hours straight. How is that even physically possible?"

I shrugged again; people are always like this when they hear about my insomnia. "I just don't get a lot of sleep."

"Why?"

Why? Because I hate getting into bed every night and feeling the empty coldness coming from Toukuro's side. Why? Because I every time I turn and hit the empty side of my bed I feel soul crushing guilt for how I used Toukuro, how I didn't love him like he loved me. Why? Because every time I close my eyes I see the faces of my mother and Kanaye taunting me and the faces of Sakumo and Dad drifting farther and farther away from me. Why? Because it gives me time to think about how much I would love to have a child of my own, someone I could care for and love, but physically can't. Why? Because I could still feel Sasainako jabbing senbon into the damaged nerves in my hip and hear her insane laughter telling me to be under her genjutsu or die. Why? Because when I close my eyes every night, all of things that I avoid thinking about during the day come crashing into my mind, filling my thoughts like a flood and haunting me. I only sleep because I need it to survive. I wait until I am so tired that my thoughts don't have the strength to wander any more, and when the only thing my brain can do is sleep.

I spun my wedding ring around my finger and looked down. I could not answer Kakashi's question aloud.

"I just don't sleep."

I walked into my office and slammed the door behind me.