Trace of Innocence | Sweet and Sour (Book 4)

Chapter 26

(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 26 - No Way Out And A Long Way Down)

"What happened in New York," I begin nervously, "it wasn't as straight forward as you think. I wasn't myself that night. So much stuff had been going on in my life, and I just wanted a break from it." 

I pause and look into her eyes, and she is looking back at me with that trace of innocence that never fails to make my stomach flutter. It is sweet and sour; sweet because she put her trust and faith in me, sour because I abused that trust and hurt her. I wonder if I will ever forgive myself.

"Before I explain everything, I just want you to know I don't expect this to change anything with us," I add, eager to reassure her that I have no ulterior motive here. "I know what I did was inexcusable, and I'm not trying to weasel out of it. I was a dıck, and I messed up, worse than you know. But I'll tell you, because I owe you the truth at the very least. I'm just sorry it's taken me this long to man up and speak to you. Please believe me when I tell you I am so, so sorry for what I did. And I won't blame you if you hate me even more, OK?"

A flash of apprehension crosses her face but she doesn't answer or try to interrupt me; instead she just stares at me silently. Heart pounding, I start at the very beginning.

"I found out Louis had got Briana pregnant just before you arrived at the Cardiff show. He'd known for a while, and had told Modest, but they'd made him wait to tell us. He dropped the bombshell backstage and I..." I falter. "I didn't take it well."

Understatement of the year. I'm supposed to be telling the full truth.

"I was a fucking dıck to him," I admit. "He was shit scared about telling us, and I just went for him. Not physically - I mean verbally," I explain, in case she gets the wrong idea. "I didn't hold back. He'd taken me by surprise, and it was everything I was scared of suddenly manifesting itself right in front of me. I didn't know how to deal with it. I shouted at him, made him feel like shit, and we had a blazing row."

Didn't you use a fuckıng condom? You stupid fucking twaț.

Is that what you think - that I want to be the lead singer? You're even more stupid than I thought. Although you wouldn't exactly be in the running for that job, would you?

I feel sick just thinking about the things I said to him.

"The others tried to intervene but I wouldn't listen," I say, shamefully. "I said some really hateful things. Things I should never have said. But I was spurred on by - " I stop dead, as my stomach churns again. I knew this was going to be hard, but to say this stuff out loud, especially after the way she has treated me with such disdain since I arrived, feels like I am laying myself wide open to attack and ridicule. I swallow my pride and carry on in a rush. 

"I was spurred on by my resentment of him for the way he flirted with you. I was jealous of him. I have been since day one; far more than you know. I used that as an excuse to yell at him, and I let all my feelings out. I was horrible, and I wish I could take it back, even now."

I glance up at Jess, to see that she is staring at me with her mouth open. I guess she didn't think that even I would stoop so low as to kick a friend when he was down. Turns out I'm capable of a lot worse than we both thought.

"Harry," she says, in a surprisingly gentle tone. "I never had feelings for Louis in the same way I did for you. I had a stupid Directioner crush. It was a fangirl thing. I was never in love with him."

"You still kissed him," I remind her. "And if he'd kissed you back, who knows where it would have led that night?"

I don't know why I just said that. I'm determined to self-destruct.