Trace of Innocence | Sweet and Sour (Book 4)

Chapter 28

(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 28 - One Step Closer)

There is a stunned silence, for about three seconds. My heart is pounding so hard it hurts, and I'm actually scared to look up because I can't bear to see the disgust on her face.

"What - so Jeff pressured you into it?" she says in disbelief, and for a moment I am thrown - that wasn't what I meant at all.

"God, no! I wanted it," I admit. "Everyone was buzzing, Jeff offered it to me, and at the time it just seemed like the solution to all my problems. I knew from experience it would perk me up and I just wanted an escape from everything. An escape from being me, just for a couple of hours. I didn't have to think twice - I just took it."

Please understand. Please don't judge me. Please don't hate me.

"Oh my God," she says, her voice trembling. "Oh my God."

"I'm sorry."

It's a pathetic apology, but I am sorry. I regret it more than anything in my whole life.

She stares at me, disappointment radiating from every pore. I didn't think I could possibly feel any worse but it turns out I was wrong.

"Please don't look at me like that," I beg. 

"I just... I don't...," she stammers, stumbling over her words. She shakes her head, as though trying to make sense of this latest revelation. "I'm just shocked," she concludes. "I don't know what I was expecting you to say, but it wasn't that. I mean, I'm not stupid. I know the kind of circles you socialise in, and who your friends are. I'm not completely naïve. It doesn't exactly come as a shock to me that you've taken drugs. I suppose I just assumed it wasn't a regular thing."

Woah, hold on - what?! I'm not a habitual user, even recreationally. I mean, I've tried it. More than once. But I quickly realised it was a bad idea and in the showbiz world it only leads one way: down.

"It isn't!" I protest. "It's rare! I've tried stuff a couple of times, mostly when I was a bit younger on our first couple of tours, and on odd occasions over the last couple of years. But it's never really appealed to me, even though a lot of my friends do it. It's never really been my thing."

I think fast, trying to remember dates. 

"It had been over a year since I last took anything," I explain. "I swear to you. I was literally on the verge of cracking that night, over everything that was going on in my life. I just wanted something to take the edge off, and I know that doesn't excuse it but that was the reason I did it. It was the worst decision I've ever made."

"I wouldn't have thought Speed was your thing," she says, almost to herself. "I'm no drugs connoisseur, but I would have thought Coke was more your scene."

Oh, so suddenly she's an expert?

"None of it is 'my scene'," I snap defensively, quoting the last two words in the air with my fingers. "I told you - it's a not a regular thing for me."

And then as quickly as the anger rose, it fades again.

"But you're sort of right," I sigh. "When I've dabbled in the past I've taken Coke more than Speed. But I need to tell you the rest; I need to get this out, and explain the full story. Please."

After a moment's hesitation she begrudgingly consents, and I start talking again before she can change her mind.

"I felt the effects pretty quick - I'd snorted it to get the high quicker. I didn't feel tired anymore, I just wanted to party. We stayed in the bar for about half an hour, and then decided to go on somewhere else. We walked outside and I saw Sara. She was with another girl from their group, and she smiled when she saw me. I went over to say goodbye to her and she was being all giggly and flirty."