Trace of Innocence | Sweet and Sour (Book 4)

Chapter 37

(No Control | Holding Me Ransom - 37 - Silence and Sound)

I send a quick text to Jess when we land in the US, and make a mental note to leave things alone now for at least a week, to give her the space she said she needed.

It's hard, as everything I see seems to reminds me of her in some way. It doesn't help that I can't bring myself to update my background picture on my phone. Removing it would seem too final, almost like I was giving up, and I am definitely not ready to throw in the towel just yet. She is permanently in my thoughts, from the moment I wake to the moment I fall asleep (which is usually the small hours of the morning, long after everyone else.) The lyrics we sing on stage, the subjects that come up in conversation, signs along the side of the road, songs on the radio... everywhere I go she surrounds me. I love it but I hate it at the same time. I have never been so consumed by another person in my life. If we can't work things out I honestly do not know how I will move on.

It's a long four weeks. 

Gemma informs me almost the moment I land in the US (and I suspect this is tactical) that she has started seeing someone, and she wants me to meet him when I'm next home. I'm always apprehensive of her potential boyfriends, as I just never know who is genuine and who could be a journalist on the hunt for some insider knowledge on me, so I am always mistrustful at first of any man who comes near her. She tells me she's really into this one, which only adds to the pressure from my point of view, but I put my own worries aside and have faith that my sister is a good judge of character.

I have a Skype call with a new fashion stylist in London, who wants to fit me with a suit for London Fashion Week in September. I'm cautious at first, until she shows me a bold, brown and black geometric print suit, and then my interest is piqued. We get chatting about the event, and she lets slip some names of others who are attending, and I make a mental note to tell Jess as soon as the opportunity arises that my ex, Cara Delevingne, will be there, just to keep everything open and above board. I don't want her to think I have any 'arrangements' on the down low. That couldn't be further from the truth. In reality, I'm a loaded gun at the moment. The frustration is real.

Jess doesn't reply to my first few texts, which are just mundane stuff. I try to keep them cool and casual, and spaced apart so I'm not crowding her. I fall over on stage in Toronto (which gives me an excuse to text her again), and it's the first text she replies to since I left England.

I fell over on stage again today :(, I tell her, at three a.m., when I'm arriving back at Soho House in Chicago where we're staying between shows. I'm not really expecting a response, but my heart soars when my phone lights up only minutes later with her reply.

Haha! I know, I saw the video.

My heart is pounding as immediately I am panicking about what to say next. I want to keep her attention now she is engaging with me, and I can't help thinking this is massive progress. I keep it lighthearted.

I'm fine, by the way. Bruised, but fine. Thanks for asking x

Then another thought occurs to me.

Where did you see the video? x, I type quickly.

On Twitter,  comes the reply pretty much instantaneously. 

You still go on Twitter?? x

I'm so surprised by this, as I haven't seen a peep from her in weeks, and I may or may not have been checking her profile occasionally. 

Weekly, maybe. 

OK fine, daily. Whatever.

Just because I don't follow you anymore doesn't mean I don't see your stuff