Yes indeed YES INDEED! A Naruto fanfic has been chosen for our first critique. Naruto was the first anime we watched so it only seemed appropriate. We'll be scouring Wattpad for gut-wrenching Mary Sues to add to this book of atrocities. So prepare y...
The story that I'll be preying on today is called The Last? (Naruto Fan Fic) done by dANGERskylines. Her gloriously over powered Mary Sue is called Yuki, a sad sad orphan girl whose entire clan was slaughtered. Huh. Sounds strangely familiar. I'm not going to be writing down all the lines of her story. Just the ones that need the most work.
Take a deep breath Naruto fans. This one gets ugly.
Two sentences in and this Sue is already displaying stereotypical "I'm depressed, no one loves me, look at how alone I am traits". Faaaaaantastic.
I dressed quickly into my blue ragged tank top with the Yuki symbol on it, and my black pants.
First, the adverb "quickly" should go before the verb. Second, there should be a comma between "blue" and "ragged". There also doesn't need to be a comma after "it". The conjunction "and" is enough. Minor details. So far so go-
Oh wait, what the hell does the Yuki symbol look like.
Wha....what? The Yuki symbol is not a preexisting part of the Narutoverse. It's fine to splash some creativity around but you need to describe to your readers what you're envisioning. It sounds pretty cool. I want to know what it looks like dammit. Moving on.
-pulled my blue and black hair up into a pony tail.
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Blue and black? Did someone punch her hair enough that it magically got bruised? This description is confusing. Is it black hair with blue streaks in it? Black hair that has a deep blue shine to it? Assist us in the imagination department please.
I looked in the mirror dejectingly.
I think you meant dejectedly. Dejectingly is unfortunately not a word. Try again.
I strapped my kunais to my belt and added a few ninja stars and a sword for the hell of it.
"Kunai" is a word that is not pluralized with an "s". Also, there are one too many "ands" in this run on sentence. I strapped my kunai to my belt, added a few ninja stars, and a sword just for the hell of it might be a better option. You can also break it into two different parts. I strapped a kunai to my belt. I then added a few ninja stars and a sword just for the hell of it. I'd also like to point out that this kind of weaponry is not at all appropriate for the Academy. None of the other students would arm themselves like this just for a sit in class and Iruka sensei would most likely ask her to remove them.
I dashed off to the Academy, wondering if I was going to be late.
