Naruto Mary Sues: A Fate Worse Than Tsukuyomi

The Flower that Everyone Loves

How long has it been? Dear god. Days. Weeks. All spent preparing for college and just being a lazy fuck. Stress has aged me to the point of looking like a moldy prune. Fun visuals.

Anyways, we have another request from one of our killers-to-be. Their name is thatrandomlovestory- and they offered us their own Naruto Mary Sue to kill in The Flower That Will Someday Wilt. Sounds like the title of an ancient haiku. Ten points for that I suppose.

So, without further delay, let's kill this Sue.

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The author gives a pretty long introduction explaining that they know how horrible this Sue is and then points out the major Sue fails. So this review is more for them to laugh at rather than learn from. With that said, I hope you enjoy this thatrandomlovestory-. The sass is about to get real.

Prologue

Nagato POV

"You and Konan must live... Protect my daughter and lover her as she was your own... Nagato, you're truly the savior of this world..."

His words rang in my head, sadness yet determination filling me as I vowed to protect what he believed in and his daughter, Ai, who was two months now.

Alright. Not a bad start. The only suggestions I have is to change "as she was your own" to "as if she were your own" as well as to rewrite "sadness yet determination". It makes sense. I get where you're going with it, but it just sounds a bit strange. Like there are some words missing. Maybe try something along the lines of "intense sadness and yet subtle determination". You could also just change "yet" to "and", although it will change the meaning slightly.

Also, Ai is an interesting name for our Mary Sue. From what I remember, あい (Ai) can mean a few different things depending on which kanji reading you would like her to have. It could mean love/affection (愛) or indigo (藍). I'd give a quick clarification on which connotation you'd like your readers to see.

"Where is she?!" I heard Konan, the mother, yell in distress. Loud crashes were followed by it, making me quickly check on her.

"Where's who?" I question, staring at the disastrous place, but many emotions of pain filling me as Yahiko, my best friend and the father, was killed not too long ago.

"I can't find Ai!" She shouted, tears threatening to fall as she hurriedly looks for a baby with blue hair and blue eyes.

Run on sentences are not your friend. Detail is good, but three lines of detail mashed between commas is not. Simple fix.

Panic welled up in me as I started to search too. Her room empty, the meeting room empty, the entire hide out had no signs of her.

Konan was desperate now, crying her eyes out as she called her child's name over and over. I felt angry, guilt, but most of all, regretful; upset by my fact that my promise to protect her was only but words now. His wishes before he died was merely a waste now, but I refused to let them be that way.

I'd change "only but words" to "but only words". The way you use "was" is not correct. "Wishes" requires the word "were" when writing in the past tense. Ya need a grammar class my friend.

"I'll look for her, even if it takes years, I'll keep looking." I promised, putting a hand on Konan's shoulder. "Do not worry, I'll get her back." I reassured and she looked at me, eyes red and puffy, but she smiled nonetheless, nodding.