Naruto Mary Sues: A Fate Worse Than Tsukuyomi

Special Snowflake Spirit-Animal Sue

GUESS WHAT violetrenagade? I LIED. YES, I LIED ABOUT WHO WAS MURDERING YOUR SUE. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

But no, Milo's computer is still being an angsty teenager and I want to get requests done as soon as possible. Fortunately, Milo should be coming over this weekend and that means we'll be getting a ton of killing done. And making a fruit pizza. Ya know, the important shit.

The Sue that I will be decapitating today is the lovely Rei Hanjuu from the story The Spirit Watcher by violetrenagade. She not only inherits her clans special Kekkei Genkai, but she's also a girl. Why does that matter? Well apparently little to no women get the Kekkei Genkai of her clan, so this Sue is one special, magical snowflake. Also...uh...you spelled renegade incorrectly...just a little thing I noticed there.

Hopefully that doesn't say anything about what's to come.

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The story opens up with a little bit of Hanjuu clan history.

In a time generations before our own, a man named Yukashii Hanjuu and his crew had just begun exploring an unknown land, that we now call The Village Hidden in the Ferality.

After a while, Yukashii had gotten separated from his crew.

He traveled through the land until he found a river. He was so parched that he immediately began drinking from the river.

When he looked up, he saw that he wasn't drinking water but a strange golden liquid, that we now know as Miido.

Hold the phone my dear, dear author friend. There is already so much that I must discuss with you. First off, I enjoy the choice of clan name. Hanjuu (半獣 or simply はんじゅう) means half-human and half-beast in Japanese. Makes sense and doesn't sound out of place in the Naruto world. Good job.

That's unfortunately where the compliments end.

The second comma in the first sentence isn't necessary. It adds an awkward pause to the flow of your story telling. The Village Hidden in the Ferality? I understand that their Kekkei Genkai has to do with spirit beasts, but wouldn't it be called "The Village Hidden in the Wilds" or "The Village Hidden in the Beasts"? All of the other villages in Naruto are hidden within a noun. Leaves, Water, Wind, etc. Ferality just doesn't sound like it fits. Also, "Hidden in the Ferality" just sounds wrong. Something can't be physically hidden within an adverb. Remember, the villages actually are concealed by surrounding geographical features. I think "The Village Hidden within Ferality" would sound better if you want to stay with an adverb instead of a noun.

Next thing that threw me off a bit.

-Yukashii had got separated from his crew.

Video: Darkwar Gamer (YouTube) Both of us don't own this song so please don't sue us Japan.

Watch yourself some One Piece because that's all I could think about. I'd avoid using the word crew in the anime world, especially when writing a Naruto fanfic. It just reminds readers of One Piece, or at least that's what I immediately thought of.

The next thing I need to bring up is that he drank gold freaking water and only noticed it after the fact. I understand he was thirsty, but his eyes had to see the water at some point for him to be able to even drink it. There's no way he saw the river, took a drink, looked up and said, "Holy ass biscuits Batman! It's a river made of gold!". It would make more sense if he saw it was a golden river but reluctantly drank from it anyways because he was so thirsty. Moving on.