Yes indeed YES INDEED! A Naruto fanfic has been chosen for our first critique. Naruto was the first anime we watched so it only seemed appropriate. We'll be scouring Wattpad for gut-wrenching Mary Sues to add to this book of atrocities. So prepare y...
I have Chinesed until I can no longer Chinese. Also, don't do drugs kids. Trash_Tanuki and Milo do not endorse that shit.
We're moving right along with the hit list. Today's Sue lives in the book The Naruto characters? On earth?!? by Leopard-Lover suggested by Skyflame313. Now the author says she's thirteen in her bio, but it's been three or four years since they joined. Usually Milo and I say sixteen is the minimum age an author needs to be when we review them. Since the author is probably sixteen now, I think we'll be good here. I will note that this story was probably written when they were thirteen and therefore not at a high literary level.
I'll just let you guys read the main chunk of the introduction:
3 adopted teenagers go to the beach on a normal day, When an argument is interrupted by some flying... Or rather falling Shinobi! Poor Kakashi. All he wants to do is go home and giggle at his retarded books.. Naruto's stupidity gets him, kakashi, sasuke, gaara, Kiba and Deidara to earth?!? Ugh... Portals...
Yep. This was definitely written by a thirteen year old. This'll be fun.
I woke up suprisingly. Since when do I get up early?! Anyways, I got up (willingly?!? This day is going to be weird, I can already tell) and walked over to the mirror to brush my just below shoulder-length golden hair and natural red streaks and washed my creamy skinned face and freckled cheeks in the sink.
Well. Alrighty then.
I'll just give a few basic grammar and spelling tips. "suprisingly" Should be spelled "surprisingly". The sentence after the first is a huge run on sentence. There are way too many independent clauses in there. I'd separate the hair brushing and face washing into two sentences. Personally, I would capitalize "willingly?!?" just to give the text within the parenthesis a more uniform look.
I'd like to point out that it's not surprising to wake up. Unless you're expecting to die, you wouldn't be surprised. I'd simply say that she's shocked she got up early. I really doubt natural blondes get god given red streaks in their hair. Red hair is already rare as it is (recessive gene), so I doubt it would show up against blonde hair (dominant gene). I just don't buy it. My last suggestion for this paragraph is this; please, please for the love of god change the word "creamy" to "unmarred" or literally anything else. Why do I ask this?
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This haunts my nightmares. Every day. No more please.
I pounced over to my closet, feeling extra hypo today. I quickly got dressed out of my Pj's and into a white singlet that fades to light blue at the ribs and then to dark blue at the waist and the singlet ends a little below the waist. I wore black leggings that end a quarter of my shin down and magenta thongs to match my summery look.
