Yes indeed YES INDEED! A Naruto fanfic has been chosen for our first critique. Naruto was the first anime we watched so it only seemed appropriate. We'll be scouring Wattpad for gut-wrenching Mary Sues to add to this book of atrocities. So prepare y...
Hello! I'm Salem, and for this excerpt I'll be doing a rather recent Mary Sue. Now, this story was posted in 2016 and I have no information as to how old this author is. Unlike other reviews I will do, this one will be more of a love tap on grammar, character development, plot, ect. Keeping in mind this author is probably very young, I will merely aim to give a constructive critique. In the update of my persona joining this trio, it was stated I would only take requests. This is an exception.
This story is titled, "Into The Eye X OC X Sasuke." And is written by, baileybaba-
To introduce this Mary Sue, the author has provided a brilliant description.
"Asa a confused ,loveable, too sassy for her own good kind of girl when new people change her life for the greater good"
Thank you for that, Baba. I'm very informed.
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Now on to the story.
"A mystery girl was in the class every so often someone would look at her or possibly him. She or small chance of being male had midnight black almost blue hair."
Okay, baba. You state that she in fact is female. I would leave it at that. You're inserting this imaginary drama of gender. As a writer, I can tell you first hand that you will utterly confuse your readers. If your character happens to be gender fluid, I would state that. If their gender identity is private, I would make that known. This mess of obvious gender continues on for a while, so I'll just leave my comment at that.
'Okay class we have a new stunde... oh you are already here' a man with a scar across his face said. 'Well if you can come in front of the class and intrudes yourself' The mystery girl walked up to the front of the class to do so and did ' My name is Asa Ichiraku and I look forward to working with you' she then gave a closed eye smile in an instant the girl's personality change to grumpy to a happy little girl.
Asa sounds a little petty. I'm going to assume this is you asserting that "sassy" trait you mentioned before. I'm honestly confused with your use of quotations and apostrophes. If a character is talking, use quotation marks. Also, make spacing your best friend. Instead of mushing this all into one long continuous paragraph, space out actions and conversations. There needs to be a new line every time there is a new speaker. Right now, it's very hard to tell who is talking.
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Time Skip To After School
The black headed girl pranced around the school and found herself lost she was still on school grounds and standing by a tree.
Asa POV
Today is the day I won't be late. 'But I really want to climb this tree, do I want to be responsible or climb this tree.'Climbing it is my hobby after all.
Prepare For Musical NumberTime Skip to Next Day
I don't know how to feel about this. You've done three time skips in two sentences. None of which fit into the layout. I honestly wish I could review and quote this entire story because it all needs revised. You need to look over your work, maybe even get a second opinion. This would improve your work drastically. I really don't know where to begin in this cluster fuck. First off, you really don't need an "Asa POV" seeing as she's the main character and there is no other point of view but hers in the first place. Secondly, when you're transitioning in your story a simple new paragraph will do. Physically saying "Time skip" is unnecessary, tedious and unprofessional.
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Postmortem Diagnosis: Over all, This is a generic Mary Sue disaster. Whether it be forced character insertion, grammar, poor use of spacing, lack of commas, your fanfic has it all. Please dear, revise your work and have another person read it over. Use commas properly when listing and dear god SPACING. I'm guessing you're young, and trust me we've all had this phase as an author. And when you leave an authors note, STATE CLEARLY that it is in fact an authors note. You had no transition between story and insert.
