What About Us

CONFESSION | SIX

I can't even look at him the same way anymore, ever since he told me that he wasn't ready to be married to me nor does he like the life we're living, I've looked at him with my third eye. Every time he told me loved me, it was a lie—every time he told the girls, it was a lie and the thought just makes me nauseated.

How did we get so far, to get pushed back?

"Get the girls and meet me at the park." Christina tells me in the phone, this has upset me too much to go to work. This has been in the front of my mind and I can't focus on anything. Christina is such a good friend, once I called her in tears this morning, she told me to get my stuff straight and meet her at the park.

So, I sit down on the bench, watching Delilah and London run around the park. Camryn sits on my lap, working on some smushed bananas—she's had that for about twenty minutes and barely made a dent in it.

"Okay, start over." Christina folds her arms over her chest and furrows her eyebrows at me, "What had you in tears this morning? Skip no details."

"Eric, yesterday we got into a fight. It was continuing from the previous argument the night I went to the bar with Four." I shake my head, glancing down at Camryn, "Christina, Eric told me to my face that he doesn't even care for the married life and having kids—being tied down. Everything he told me and the girls were a lie, that he loved us. He wants to roam free and not worry about responsibilities."

"Didn't that douche-bag realize that this was going to come with the package when he put that ring on your finger?" I glance down at the diamond ring on my finger, remembering every detail of our wedding. The way his lips moved against mines, it felt real—but we were living a lie, "So what now?" The silence between us is almost deafening, I feel my body tense and for once I get hit with reality.

What happens now? What will happen with our relationship?

"I don't know, I really don't." I sigh, closing my eyes. I feel tears prick my eyes, and I take a deep breath before opening them.

+++

We shifted to one of my favorite ice-cream shops called, Margie's Candies, the girls love it and it was a nice way to cool down from them playing all day. It also gives us more time to talk about my situation at home with Christina. She's a nice friend to talk to because right now I am going through a crisis. How am I supposed to go home to the man I thought once loved me? I don't want to keep living my life as a lie, I want to have someone who loves myself and the girls. How do I know Eric hasn't been cheating on me this whole time?

Christina and I step up to the cash register, Delilah and London truly excited. Camryn squeals at the cashier who gives her a small smile and wave, "We're on the same ticket." Christina tells the cashier, "Can I have a small cone of chocolate with sprinkles. A cup of cheesecake ice cream with caramel, strawberries, and walnuts." Delilah visibly brightens as her mother speaks and I smile at her.

I decide to get London cookies and cream with sprinkles and hot fudge, I decide to get coconut, pistachio, and chocolate chip with hot fudge and brownie bites. We both find a booth near the window to have the sunlight on us while we indulge in our sweet treats, "Well, the brighter side of it is that you know that hot guy, named Four." Christina whispers as I spoon ice cream into my mouth, tasting the saltiness of the nuts and sweetness of the tropical fruit.

I roll my eyes at her, "Trust me, he doesn't want anything to do with me and my problems." I give a slight chuckle that sounds out of place.

"Whatever, you two have been working together for some time now. When I saw him the first time, he was scary. But, It looks like he will treat you like a queen along with the girls." I glance down at London who gives me a wide grin, chocolate coating her mouth. Camryn smiles at her sister and I can't help but to feel tears well up in my eyes. What did I do to deserve this?

+++

Eric is an hour late and I refuse to text him. I know that I shouldn't worry about him because he wants to do his own thing, I had to come in agreement with myself and know that I can't force him into what he doesn't want because that will only make problems worse. I need to pivot my attention to where it is needed―my two daughters. Eric always kissed me and I thought it was from the love of his heart, everything was going great with our relationship before I got pregnant and we had to postpone our intimate time together. Now, I know what he just wanted.

The way he held my hand through the contractions, the way he kissed me goodnight, it all felt real. It breaks my heart to know that I lived a fake life this whole time and I can't even stomach to look at him. The man who I thought once loved me, doesn't love me. He doesn't love the girls, and I don't want a man in my house who doesn't love us. Because without love there is no protection.