What About Us

TROUBLES | THIRTY-NINE

"So when did you first notice that you were becoming more irritable and sad?"

"I didn't really realize it until my fiancé told me that he wanted me to come to get therapy for my problems. When I looked back on my actions a few days ago, I realized how snappy I were and upset with everyone."

Dr. Declan was the doctor at the clinic Tobias searched on goggle one night in the bed. It was a pretty penny but she did have 5 stars and a lot of people liked her, everyone except me. I felt that she was pushy and I haven't even been here for 30 minutes. My appointment was early on a Wednesday once London went to school, Tobias was so "courteous" to take off today to stay home with  Camryn while he dropped me off at the clinic and he wanted to be there for me afterwards. I knew deep down inside he didn't trust me enough to drive there and actually follow through to get the "help". I was on edge, I know I didn't need it.

"So, how did you and your fiancé meet?" She questions and I shift in my seat as soon as she scribbles something down in her notepad and I feel my muscles tense.

I clear my throat and twiddle my thumbs, "Uh, we work in the same field of work and I met him at my job. He came in for a meeting and we had met, he hung around a lot and I ended up getting pregnant by him."

"I know you told me that you have 2 other children, are they both his?" I shake my head and she continues to write in that same notebook, "So tell me about the previous father. Was he abusive or--" she trails off.

"What does this have to do with me crying almost everyday?" I snap, the questions she are giving me are simple ones and I feel that we are not getting anywhere.

She takes her glasses off her face and gives me a sheepish smile, "I have to get to the root of problems, Beatrice. I know that your a little standoffish right now because you are feeling unsure, just work with me."

"Their father was my previous husband, we were married for about 4 years and spent 2 and a half years together as a couple before we got married. Things weren't working out for us. . . we had some issues and we divorced. I found out that I was pregnant less than a month after we signed those papers." I cross my arms and avoid looking her in the eyes, I hate telling the story about Eric and I breaking up because I feel like they're judging me. Like I was weak and couldn't handle it to keep our family together, today I still question myself if I made the right decision.

She nods her head and places her pad on the table beside her on the dark wooden table, "That's all for today." She clasps her hands together and stands up. 

"What?" I splutter, "We didn't even talk about a lot of stuff."

"Well what do you want to talk about? You don't seem to open to new topics, I asked you some simple questions to feel you out."

I furrowed my eyebrows utterly confused, "Feel me out?"

She nodded her head, "Yes, I needed to see where you stand mentally. You seem stable but very stubborn and stuck in your own ways. I feel that you need to be open more and willing to share your feelings rather yeah be closed out to society and most importantly your fiancé." She speaks in a soothing voice like she has the whole time and although it frustrates me a little bit I take a deep breath and listen to her words, "But, next visit will be more in depth than this one and so forth and so on until we have everything in order. Postpartum Depression isn't fixable with just one consultant with me, it takes time. So I'll see you next Wednesday." I just nodded my head and left her office as soon as possible.

Outside where the gray skies held rain above, I stood in the cold until Tobias pulled up in front of me and I got inside welcoming the heat on my cold body. Camryn is in the back with Aiden asleep while some soft music plays through the speakers.

"How was it?"

"Fine." I lie. I hate feeling like a child who cannot express herself, especially around Tobias. I want to tell him everything but each time I try to it comes out harsher than what I meant, like 2 weeks ago late at night.

He clears his throat and starts to make his way home. I know he wants to ask me more questions but does not want to keep pushing on and on until I explode and I feel so bad that he has to act so timid around me. But I don't even know who I am right now. This isn't me, I am usually vibrant and happy but now I dull and sad, "It's gonna be okay." He takes my hand in his and kisses the back of it and I relax into the chair and give him a slight smile. I miss his touch, so much it feels like I have been so separated from him and I can admit that I do miss him.

+++

The sheets are warm on my body as I stare ahead and out the window. I have to get better for my kids, I think to myself, for Tobias. I feel so bad because while Tobias takes care of Camryn and Aiden downstairs I am upstairs wallowing in depression. I haven't even bonded with Aiden like I should, I even feel separated for him and in this state I don't even know if I can take care of him. And this maternity leave isn't helping me. I seek getting some alone time and just focus my brain on one thing instead of dirty diapers and the new episode on Nick Jr.

I hear the door creak open and I don't even bother to turn around, I feel the bed dip and Tobias' hands snaking around my waist—it's sad to say but I even lost a little bit of weight, of course once I lost the baby weight but now it feels like I'm starving myself with no appetite. I turn around in his embrace and snuggle into his warmth, smelling his cologne and letting out a content sigh. He kisses my forehead and I feel tears sliding out of my eyes onto his shirt, "I'm sorry." I sniffle. Sorry for all of this drama I caused, for not being there for our kids, not being there for him.

He kisses my forehead again and squeezes me tightly, "It's okay baby" he doesn't say anything else and that's all I need is that reassurance. It's going to be okay.