CaptainSwan in College

"If You're Reading This"

Okay, so the song at the top was my inspiration for this, but not every aspect fits. Though, listening to the song and just thinking about this story makes me bawl, so...

Anyway, the flashback takes place while Emma thinks Killian is dead after the accident in the Navy, while she's pregnant with Mia. The rest is during those three years we skipped. I dare you not to cry, because I definitely did.

*Writer's POV*

Emma had been sent to bed, left alone in the darkness of their bedroom- her bedroom. It just wasn't sinking in that she was alone, that she'd never see or talk to the love of her life again. It was the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard in her life, because he was Killian, he always came back to her.

After a while she couldn't take the silence, going to the closet to find something of Killian's to wear. She found his old college sweatshirt and pulled it on, curling up in bed now surrounded by his scent. She heard paper crinkle and reached under her pillow, finding an envelope with "My Dearest Swan" written in handwriting she'd know anywhere.

"My Emma,

I wrote this for you that day I left and sent it to Liam, hoping you'd never have to read it. But if you are, it looks like I only got a one way ticket over here. I can't tell you how sorry I am for breaking my promise to always come home to you, or even what I would give to give you one more kiss. But war is more than a game we played when we were kids, and we don't win every battle.

If you're reading this, halfway around the world, I won't be there to see the birth of our little girl. I hope she looks like you, and fights the way we always have. I know you'll raise her to stand up for the innocent and the weak, to be a better person than I ever could. If you could, just make sure she knows how much I loved you both. All I ever wanted was to raise a family and grow old with you, but I guess that just wasn't meant to be. I hope you know how desperately I loved you. You are more than I ever deserved, and I treasured every moment we had together. There will come a day that you'll find someone new and I want you to know that it's okay to move on.

All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy, so let yourself. Don't cry too much or shut people out for too long. Show our daughter what it is to love and be loved back, to have a place to feel safe and treasured like she should be. Just remember that you, my love, are my soul mate, and no matter where I end up, I'll be watching over you and our little butterfly.

Forever yours,
Killian."

Never in my life had I read anything so beautifully heartbreaking. I had to wipe my face to keep my tears from joining the stains on the paper, sobs getting stuck in my throat. I'd been in pain since the moment they told me he'd died, but this was a whole new level of agony.

*Two and a half years later; Mia's second birthday*

Emma had just gotten Mia to sleep when she found that letter tucked into their old scrapbook. She took it to their room and sat on their bed, reading it in the exact spot she originally found it. The paper was yellowed, the ink faded, but the tear stains still stood out like blood on a black and white canvass. It'd been over two years and that man was just in the other room, but it ripped her heart out the same way it did that night.

When Killian finished cleaning up after their daughter's birthday party, he headed to their room. He stopped in the doorway when he saw her reading, recognizing his own handwriting from across the room and quickly going over to her.

"Swan, what are you doing?" He asked as he gathered her into his arms. She was fighting to keep her weeping quiet, but her body shook with the force of her sobs. "Why are you reading that?"

"I don't know," she gasped out, clutching onto him for dear life. Despite the time that had passed, that letter had brought her back to that night, back to the pain and longing to have him exactly where he was right now. "I found it and I just... I love you so much. So much it hurts. Please, please don't die again."

"Shh, Emma, shh," he tried desperately to soothe her, bringing her into his lap and holding her securely to his chest. "I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. Just breathe for me, okay?"

"I love you," She whispered again, sliding her hand up to fist in his hair and hold him to her as she squeezed her eyes shut. She slowly calmed down with him holding her, pulling away only enough to rest her forehead on his and meet his worried eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't think it would still have such an effect on me, but it was suddenly like I was six months pregnant all over again, mourning my soulmate in the middle of our bed. Like someone tore my heart out, crushed it, and smeared it all over my life."

"But you're not," he reminded her gently, cupping her cheek and wiping her tears with his thumb. "I came home to you like I promised, just like I always will."

"You'd better," she tried to tease him and they shared a small smile. "Because I can't do that again, I don't know how to live my life without you. In fact, I insist on going first."

"As you wish," he smirked a bit, lifting her face to cover her lips with his own. She smiled into their kiss, forming herself to him but still feeling like she wasn't close enough.

"Mommy?" a small voice came from the doorway and they separated their lips to find their tiny two year old daughter standing there. "Why you cry?"

"Everything's okay, princess," I assured her, getting up to get her and bring her back to the bed with us. "What are you doing up?"

"You cry," she told them simply, having woken to the sounds of her mothers sobs and crawled out of her small bed to find her. "Mommy no cry."

"No, mommy no cry," Emma smiled, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Daddy made it all better, don't worry."

"Daddy?" she looked from her mother to her father, concerned and always knowing more than she should. "Better?"

"All better," he promised, kissing her cheek and bringing out a small smile. "Why don't you sleep with us tonight, baby girl? Something special for your birthday."

She nodded quickly and they all moved to lay in the large bed. Mia loved sleeping with her parents, not always listening when they said no and crawling in once they'd fallen asleep. Killian formed himself to Emma's back, Mia tucked against her mother's chest with both her parents' arms wrapping her in a cocoon of comfort and pure love. They slept that way the entire night, having her husband and daughter so close keeping the nightmares of that not so long ago from Emma's mind.