smile. || joshler ||

Ch. 14

It was a needed feeling. Tyler needed to hurt himself. He needed to feel control over his life, he needed a reminder that he can feel, that he was still alive somewhat. No one can understand.

He woke up to the sound of banging on the door of his room, and heard his father call, "Get up, breakfast is on the table."

He sighed, not responding, he only talks to Josh.

Tyler shook his head and searched his messy room for some jeans, and found a black pair, all his pants were black or dark. He then got a t-shirt and his usual hoodie. When he checked his phone, he frowned noticing it was his birthday.

Birthdays were never good when it came to Tyler, they all were fine, but a couple of years ago, they became dreadful and were hated by him. Tyler pocketed his phone then went downstairs and saw his father sitting at the table eating toast, a bowl of oatmeal was placed in Tyler's usual seat.

He sat down and his dad cleared his throat, muttering, "Manners?"

"Thank you," Tyler whispered.

His dad suddenly asked, voice low, "How's school?"

"Good."

"I know you're lying."

"I'm not."

He slammed his fist on the table, making it rattle and Tyler flinched as his father glared, "Don't lie to me. Your teachers have all called regarding your behaviour. How do you fail gym? I bought you a uniform, you shouldn't be failing gym, it's pathetic."

Tyler remained silent, not even shocked at the word 'pathetic', he knows he's pathetic and is use to his father talking to him like this. When he didn't speak, he whimpered in pain once he was slapped across the face.

"Wait in the car."

He did as told, sniffling and wiping his eyes, rubbing his throbbing face. Tyler quickly wen't to the bathroom and applied cover-up his mom use to own, then grabbed his bag and waited in the car, watching as the bus drove past.

After his father joined, the ride was silent, and his dad soon spoke, "I'm having a cake baked, do you want chocolate or vanilla?"

"Vanilla please," Tyler whispered, not admitting he liked strawberry.

The man cracked a small smile, and parked in front of the school, they only lived a couple minutes away, but it's a long walk. "Have a good day, bring the grades up. Happy Birthday."

"Thank you."

"I love you," His father told him, and Tyler smiled, repeating the words, then left the car and walked into school.

He knew his dad hit him, and sometimes it's hard. Either way, he could tell his dad loved him. He cared about him, fed him, wanted him to get good grade. But, sometimes Tyler was bad and needed to get hit. He needed to be taught a lesson and to be polite and say 'please' and 'thank you', only speaking when spoke to.

Tyler walked through the halls, not touching anyone or speaking to people. Even if he was use to getting hit, he was also afraid that people would hit him too. His dad told him that only he can hit Tyler because he's his dad.

And, one time Tyler got hit by a kid. Since then, he was afraid that people might hit him too. Then there was a time when his dad came home drunk and gave him a black eye, that was when he started distancing himself from kids at school. He was afraid everyone would hurt him and he can't handle all that pain, he can only handle his father's because he loves his dad.

A hand touched his shoulder and Tyler jumped, letting out a breath of relief seeing Josh, "Um, Hi."

"Happy Birthday!" Josh exclaimed, surprising Tyler with a hug. When he pulled back, Tyler froze and suddenly memories of the night filled his mind.

Remembering everything, including the kiss.

Tyler gasped, and looked at Josh who stared at him in confusion. Tyler blushed fiercely, and Josh asked, "Are you okay?"

"I-I-Um, yeah I'm f-fine, he shuttered.

"Okay," Josh replied, not believing him. "Well, during lunch can you meet me in the auditorium? I have a surprise for you."

Tyler smiled, but quickly stopped remembering they're in school. He can't show emotion during school, emotions make you weak. And people go after the weak, he can't handle people going after him, he likes being on his own and ignored. It's better than being bullied or making friends, then losing them.

He told Josh, "Okay, but, we should...get to class."

They both got their books and put their things away, then went to science and Tyler had nothing with him. He doesn't need anything, because he doesn't do anything.

When it was time to pick up homework, the teacher sighed once in front of him, "No homework again Mr. Joseph?"

He shrugged and she frowned, "You know, If you're not going to try, then you might as well stop embarrassing yourself and just drop out."

Tyler frowned, but quickly made his face blank, not giving her the satisfaction of hurting his feelings. He hides his reactions, He can't let people know that their words effect him. If he did, then they would know his weakness and could use it against him.

Josh looked at Tyler, concern written on his face, "Are you okay? She had no right to say that. Tyler, you're not embarrassing yourself, you're smart, you know that right?"

And even if Tyler didn't know that, he nodded, just giving Josh the thought that he made Tyler feel better. However, all Tyler could think about throughout the day was that kiss.

He didn't remember much of it, only knowing that it happened and had a faint memory of Josh's lips on his. He did know that it was nice and felt right, so the thought of what Josh's surprise might be made him excited, yet nervous.

When it was time for lunch, he left music with a faint smile, trying to hide it with his hood. The halls were clearing out and he was the only one left.

Once at the auditorium, he took a breath and slowly opened the door, gasping as he sae what was in front of him.

Josh, kissing a girl.

And Tyler recognized her as Jade. He shakily shut it behind him, trying to be quiet and succeeded when he looked in the small window, seeing they were still kissing.

He was numb.

On the inside, he was breaking slowly, he ran and ran, not stopping till at home, thankful that he was too upset to realize how much his body ached from the sprint. His dad wasn't hime and Tyler crumpled to the floor in his room, leaning his head against the wall.

The tears fell like a waterfall, never ending and dripping from his chin. Sobs escaped his lips and his body trembled, arms wrapping around his knees.

He liked Josh. Josh was everything to him, he never liked anyone before.

And some part of him thought Josh liked him back. That since Josh didn't seem disgusted with the kiss, then it meant he felt the same-or at least was contemplating on it. He was always nice to him and acted like he cared for Tyler.

The way Josh would check his arms for cuts, take care of him when he was drunk, how he let him sleep in his bed and always seemed concerned about him, the signs made him feel loved and cared for.

Of course, it was all a lie. Everything Josh said was a lie. He was kissing a girl, is he even gay? Was that all a lie? There were rumors in school he was gay, and Tyler can't remember, but he was sure Josh told him he was gay.

He let another sob escape, thinking of how Josh was probably playing him and acting concerned. His arms were begging to be cut, to have a razor distract him from the pain. And so, he cut and cut, not caring that Josh asked him to stop.

Because Josh doesn't care about him.

He cares about Jade.
He likes Jade, not Tyler.

Because Tyler was worthless.