Not A Typical Love Story

Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Anger tore through me as I ripped through my room. Bella was gone. Bella was gone yet again and we had no idea as to where she was. How immature could one be? Apparently that immature.

She left a note saying that she had business to do but that wasn't enough for me. Mr Clearwater had just died and she had to run off? How selfish could one girl be? It was disrespectful and infuriating that she was going to put dad in a panic right after dad had just lost one of his oldest friends.

A strangled cry left my mouth as I threw my painting easel to the ground, ignoring the fact that it ripped my canvas. All the anger, all of the frustrations, and all of my emotions from the past year were rushing through me and I couldn't stop the tears that ran down my face.

"Fuck!" I screamed slamming my fist into the wall. The pain that was there I could barely register. The fact that nothing seemed to be going right was the only thing that I could focus on.

Bella was gone, Jasper was gone, everyone was leaving me and there was nothing that I could do.

Another shriek left my mouth as I tore one of the posters off of my wall, glaring at the damned thing as if it were its fault that everything was going to hell.

After a few minutes I found myself sitting in the middle of the wreckage, tears running down my face as I tried to gasp for air. None came to me though. My hands wound into my hair and I pulled letting out a cry of pain as my chest constricted. I knew what this was yet it wasn't something that I wanted to admit.

Black spots started to enter my vision as my body shook. I couldn't pass out there. I couldn't let Charlie deal with any of this on his own that wasn't why I was here. I was here to take care of Bella. I had to take care of her and make sure she was safe… Make sure she was safe.

"Just breathe." I froze as his voice ran through my head. There was no way… There was no way that he was here. A part of me yearned to have him here yet I couldn't. I wanted to listen to that southern accent again yet I knew that it was just my imagination. He wasn't here because he left me.

"Take a breath love. You're going to pass out if you don't… you don't want to worry Charlie when he gets home."

I held my breath for a second, trying to stop shaking. The moment I was starting to feel even more lighthearted I took a deep breath, feeling relief flood me. I could breathe again. Oh thank god.

Once I knew that it was okay, I got to my feet, stumbling a bit. The tears had ceased yet now my head was aching. As long as I wasn't crying anymore.

Glancing at the wrecking I took a minute. My paints were thrown everywhere. All of my art torn or on the floor. My desk was overturned and my laptop lay on the ground with a splatter of red paint and what looked like the hinge hanging off.

"Need to clean this…" I sighed to myself yet stumbled out of the room, intending on finding some Advil and my pills. I couldn't do this anymore.

For months I had been avoiding them, believing that since I had been okay when Jasper was around I would be okay without him and the pills. I had felt that if I took them I would be giving up control of my feelings. Control that I knew I didn't have.

Keeping my feelings to myself for months was a mistake. I had been mad at Jasper for leaving, the Cullen's as a whole for making me believe in them. Edward for leaving Bella and causing her to be a wreck. Alice for taking an interest in me in the first place. Charlie for believing that I was strong enough to support Bella. Bella for making me support her. Renee for going off to see Phil causing us to move here and meet the Cullen's in the first place…

Myself. I was the angriest with myself. I had let myself be vulnerable and depend on people who in the end left me like I knew they would. I was angry that I had deceived myself into believing that I was okay and that everything was normal. I was angry that I let this happen to myself.

I leaned heavily up against the bathroom sink as I looked through the medicine cabinet. Finding the Advil I took it gratefully, glad that I would soon have relief to the endless throbbing in my head.

My hands shook as I searched for the other bottle. Part of me was screaming that I shouldn't do it yet the logical part soon overruled. Spying the familiar orange bottle, I looked at the pills and then poured two into my hand. For a moment I stared at them, wanting to put some back yet I knew that I couldn't. Not after being so emotional and insane that I heard his voice.

Popping the two into my mouth, I quickly took a gulp of water, trying to keep myself from pulling back. Soon enough I had taken them. I was going back to this.

I knew that it was supposed to be the right thing yet it didn't feel like it. It made me feel dirty and… inadequate. Like I couldn't even control myself. That was it though… I couldn't really control myself.

Looking into the mirror I saw the girl that I hadn't seen since I came to Forks. Her hair was matted, flying everywhere. No longer neat and curled. Faint circles surrounded her eyes and though they weren't completely there, they were still noticeable. Her eyes were bloodshot and red, puffy from all the crying. She was a wreck.

My forehead met the cool sink as I took in another breath, trying to calm my shaking. It was hard seeing myself like this yet again yet I knew that it was happening. There was only so much that I could do.

"Marley!" I jumped as Charlie knocked on the door and turned to see that he was standing there with his tux and tie in hand. His eyes softened at the sight of me and he quickly pulled me into a hug.

I felt like a child there, in my father's arms yet… I was okay with it. I had his comfort and his words of assurance. Something that I hadn't had since before I came to live here.

"I know that it's hard… With everything… but Bella will be back soon." He murmured and then pulled away with a tired grin. "Why don't you take a shower and after we need to get going… Harry-" He choked up at his late friend's name and I gave him a sad smile.

"I shouldn't take too long dad… We'll figure this out." I half grinned feeling eerily calm.

"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could."

― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum LP