The Barricade Girl (A Les Miserables FanFiction)

Chapter Forty-Five

The five of us stayed in my room the entire night, barely saying a word, this melancholic atmosphere filling the room, the cloud of the revolution hanging over our heads. The thought that the dawn of a brand new day was getting closer and closer with each second fills my heart with dread – I just want to hang on to this moment, and for perhaps the first time in my life, I'm willing the sun to not come up, just this once. Tonight, I don't want there to be a new day dawning. I want to stay right here, with the people I value most.

"Are you asleep?" Enjolras whispers to me.

"No..." I whisper back, turning my head to look at him.

"If you don't want me to do this –" He starts.

"Enjolras –"

"Then just say the word and I won't", he finishes.

"I'm not going to do that..." I say softly, and he doesn't say a word.

"I'm sorry, Juliette..." He says, almost to himself.

"Sorry for what? What are you –?"

"I'm sorry that I can't be better for you..."

"Enjolras..." I reach out my hand to touch his face, resting my other hand on his chest, letting him know that I'm here.

"I...I feel like I've given you false hope...that we could have a happily ever after...but...we've always known that, whenever the revolution was a possibility, building a life together wasn't...and I'm sorry for that..." He pauses and looks at me, a single tear falling from his eye and trickling down his cheek and onto my hand. "I sometimes wish I was someone else...that I had chosen a different path in life...that I was a Doctor, or a Farmer, or a real Lawyer instead of a pretend one, so that I could do better for you...I would even settle for being the lowest servant on your Grandfather's estate if it meant I could be near you..." He takes in a breath and sits up a little. "I'm sorry that I'm me..."

"Enjolras..." I don't really know what to say in response to him. I push myself up so that I'm sitting too. "I don't wish anything different...you are my Enjolras..." I cup his face with both my hands and kiss him. "You are my Burgundy Boy..."

Enjolras manages to close his eyes for a little while, his chest rising and falling with each little breath, my own head rising and falling along with it as I rest on him. My eye catches a figure sitting by the open window. I gently sit up, trying my best to not wake Enjolras and strain my eyes to see who it is – it's my brother. I slowly sneak off my bed and tip-toe over to join him by the window.

"Can't sleep?" I touch his arm as I sit beside him.

"Nope...too many thoughts..." He tries to smile, but can't.

"You wanna talk about it?" I curl my knees up against my chest, turning myself to look at him. "Please, Marius..." I urge him, knowing that we might not have many opportunities like this left.

"I don't know what to do..." He exhales the breath he's been holding in. "Do I follow her? Or do I stay here with my brothers and fight?"

"It's a choice only you can make...I guess you've got to decide where your place is. It depends how sure you are about her..." I try to help, but feel like I'm failing miserably. "If you and Cosette are meant to be, then you'll find each other again...and, if not, then...maybe there's someone else that's meant to be with you..."

"Yeah...like who?" Marius snorts.

"...Eponine?"

At the earliest sign of daylight, the five of us silently leave my room and head down to the foyer, hoping to get all of this over and done with before Grandfather even entertains the idea of waking up. I can't bring myself to watch Courfeyrac saying goodbye to Maggie – that would break my heart even more than it already is. I feel like someone is chiselling away at my heart, and my stomach is in absolute knots, my insides shaking, wondering how they're going to get through the next couple of minutes.

"So..." I try to speak, but my voice breaks and my emotions are to slip out again. "I guess this is it..." Enjolras holds me tightly in his arms, biting his lip again to stop himself from crying.

"I love you...with all my heart..." He kisses me harder than he ever has before, as if he's making up for all the kisses that he's going to miss – the kisses that we're never going to have.

"I love you too..." I whisper, not knowing what else to say, wanting to prolong the moment yet wanting him to leave as quickly as he can at the same time. I don't know how to feel. He lets me go and stands back, making way for Courfeyrac, who opens his arms, wrapping them around me for one last hug.

"I'm gonna miss you, Jules..." He tries to laugh through his tears, but he can't.

"I'm gonna miss you too...You mean so much to me..." I weep.

"You're the best friend I've ever had", he squeezes me tightly. "Don't cry", he wipes away my tears. "We'll see each other soon...when this is all over". And I pray he's right. He lets me go, and Marius immediately rushes at me, hugging me close to him.

"Please don't leave me..." I whisper, resting my head against him as he strokes my hair – this time, him comforting me.

"I have to...I'm sorry..." He sighs. "But...when this is all over...I'll come back for you...I promise..." He kisses my head, giving me one final squeeze before letting me go and turning to face the others. "Are we ready?" He asks sadly. Enjolras and Courfeyrac silently and hesitantly nod. I feel like this is a nightmarish dream – this can't be happening. We can't be saying goodbye. I can't be preparing myself to watch them walk away and walk out of my life.

"Final chance..." Enjolras takes my hand. "Say you want me to end it and I will..." I shake my head. "I love you..." He kisses my hair and walks away, heading for the door with my best friend and my brother. Maggie, who has been silently weeping this whole time, places her hand inside mine as we watch them leave together. Enjolras turns back to face me one more time, his eyes red and bloodshot. "Don't forget me, Barricade Girl..." And with that, they leave, and Maggie and I stand in the empty foyer watching the three greatest men in the world walk away, bravely walking toward the revolution.

"Enjolras..." I whisper aloud, knowing that he can't hear me. "I lied...I want you to end it...I'm saying the word..." But he can't hear me, and he walks away with his comrades into a uncertain and dangerous future.