beyond the monotonous city

sixteen

Lauren spent the entirety of her day and the next holed up in her house.

She knew her mom was worried since she was happy the past week and now she hit a low point again. But she knew herself well and that with every happy moment, a bad one was soon to mess it up.

The weirdest part to her again was feeling no emotion. She turned from a cloudy day to a rainy day with fog creeping in. She just spent her time looking at the painting she left or the old posters she hung up on the backside of her cabinet. The routine was all too familiar to her. She ate with her mom, she replied when she had to but didn't bother initiating anything.

Her mom told her to take her anti-depressants again even when Lauren knew she wanted to be past that stage. She took one and tried to do anything worthwhile like do a painting but she somehow lost all the motivation to do so. She was just again existing.

She barely got any sleep, the familiar feeling of insomnia coming over her during the nights a sher thoughts were riddled with anxiety.

She had to miss school after the weekend because she still wasn't feeling well enough to do much, though she felt less heavy. Clara told her that someone wanted to speak to her on the phone, Lauren reluctantly picked it up. "Hello?"

"Hey Lauren," said the familiar voice.

Normally that voice sent her on the edge, either feeling her spirits rise up or fall down. Now it was just another mix in the pot that was her feelings and consciousness. "Hey Camila,"

"I was supposed to come over but your mom told me you were down. Just wanted to know how you are." She said with a hint of sadness in her voice in the other line.

"I don't really know what I feel right now, if I'm honest. Though I feel a lot better compared to yesterday"

There was silence for a bit on the other line. "Would you let me sleepover with you?"

Lauren paused, unsure. "Um, I'm not really much fun to talk to right now. But I can try."

Camila seemed excited on the other line. "That's fine we can just listen to music and sleep, I'm not much of a sleepover person."

"Me neither." Camila said goodbye and Lauren hung her head as the phone call ended.

"Mom, Camila is sleeping over tonight," Lauren called out to her mom.

"Can you entertain her? Would she mind?" Clara asked, worried.

"Yeah she said we could just listen to music and sleep. I think I can handle talking to one person." Lauren said. Her mom kissed the top of her head.

"Alright have fun, Lauren." she said.

Lauren went up to her room, facing the ceiling. She heard a knock but didn't bother looking up. Camila lay next to her and just watched the ceiling alongside her. The other girl was just quiet, and Lauren figured if that was Camila's way to make her feel better, it was working.

"What's on your mind?" Lauren asked Camila after their moment of silence.

"I was thinking about kindred souls," Camila said.

"What's that?"

"It's when you know, two people have this amazing bond that they share the same beliefs in certain things, you're on the same wavelength. You have this deep sense of trust and you know them like you know yourself." there was such passion in the way Camila spoke that Lauren felt herself just following her words, her full attention on her.

"Do you believe in them?"

"Well I've never experienced one, it's in my bucket list for sure. I think that's where you don't really have a clue, you just know in you. And I don't know yet. I mean I have a lot of things to know, I haven't even turned eighteen yet."

They were both silent again.

"You know the scariest part though?"

"What?" Lauren asked.

"That there's so much things I'll never know. Like how exactly you made one person feel at any particular moment. Or how your future lover is doing right now. Those things."

Lauren found an inner strength to speak up. "That was me before this mess all happened. I was so pressed on making a mark, being someone to be remembered. And I guess getting into a car accident in this town makes headlines. Not the kind of mark I wanted to make but they'll always know me as that."

"That's not where your story ends though. Girl who's been in a traumatizing car accident, accomplishes her goals in life. Now that's a story." Camila said with emphasis on the last part.

"Things don't always end happily though. Life isn't a fairytale, not everyone gets a happy ending." Lauren warned, remembering the people in her life who left her.

"But you do have a say in how you live your life. You may have no control how it ends but you have a say in how you live it." Camila said, her tone getting defensive, emotion enveloping her words.

Lauren was silent, the words hitting her. "You know what I think the scariest part is?" Camila shook her head, "I'm scared of dying, yet I have no control of what I do."

"I'm not," Camila said, to Lauren's surprise. She looked at her, with an incredulous look on her face.

"Why are we paradoxes Camila; the girl who wants to live her life isn't scared to die, and the girl who wished her life was over is scared of dying." Lauren said. Camila smiled at her words.

There was silence again. Camila turned to her, "Do you honestly wish your life was still over?"

"Not much, but on days like this honesty yes." Lauren said, avoiding her gaze.

She felt Camila's hand lace around hers and Lauren felt as if every nerve in her body suddenly travelled to her hand as she couldn't feel anything but it. "I won't hold anything against you, I learned that I can't change whatever you think. I'll respect your decisions. Just remember that if you really want something, you should go for it."

Lauren suddenly remembered how she wanted Camila, how she had feelings for her but felt like she was in no place especially after what Dinah said. "What if I don't know how."

"Only you will know how. It's part of figuring yourself out."

They laid in silence once again. Lauren had on sleepy piano music on her gramophone, which made it more relaxing.

"I can see you, Lauren." Camila said suddenly. Camila saw Lauren was confused so she propped herself up on one elbow and looked at her. "I feel like I know you so much more after seeing your passions, in music, singing and even painting. I know that's just part of you probably but it's you. I see how it means to you and through them, I see you. If that makes any sense."

Lauren felt herself soak in her words, the emotions getting to her. She half-smiled, thankful Camila did stay with her for a sleepover.

"You should do it too," Lauren suddenly said, taking Camila by surprise as she had begun to look pre-occupied after the silence.

"Do what?"

"Go for what you want." Lauren watched as Camila's face began to look unreadable as she spoke. "It's only fair you follow your own advice. I feel there's something stopping you."

"What if it kills you?"

"Someone once told me that's what passion is for." Lauren said recalling what Camila told her, to which Camila smiled in appreciation.

"Hey Lauren, would you mind accompanying me in doing some of my bucket list tasks? I mean if you're up for it and when you feel better."

"Yeah I'd love to." Lauren realized that if coming with Camila to her adventures would be the way to her heart, then she would love to.

They were silent again and it wasn't until Lauren looked over and saw that Camila had fallen asleep. She turned off the music and the lights as she laid on the other side of her double bed and watched the other girl sleep so peacefully. Then she fell asleep slowly, after taking a sleeping pill.

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A/N:  And we have more deep conversations! Let me know your thoughts. 

- Sofia