lost (A Naruto fan fiction)

Home, self hate and cutting

I was sitting on the Nara's roof enjoying the cool breeze in my face as I continued to draw a picture of my brother. Thinking about what he said before he left. Did he mean accept my feelings for Shikamaru? But I can't. I can't love someone, I'm destined to be alone forever, and there is no chance he would share these feeling. But what was I suppose to do? I drawn to him, I should probably just avoid him, because what happens if Orochimaru comes after me and uses Shikamaru against me. Now that I think I should try and distance myself from Shenshi and Aisura and all the people I care about because I don't want them getting hurt because of me.

I stood up on the roof and raised my hand to the moon. I wish my brother was still alive so he could help me. I decided to deny my emotions so I could distance myself from everyone and protect them. When I decided this it felt like I was ripping a part of myself out. I gripped my chest as I shook slightly knowing everyone would probably start hating me or forget about me. It was like I was once again engulfed in darkness and loneliness. I sat back down and read my book for the rest of the night.

The sun was rising and I thought I should probably go inside before they found out I didn't sleep at all last night. I jumped into the hose and sat down on the coach and continued to read my book waiting for the Nara's to wake up. Shikamaru's Mum came out I went to help her with making breakfast and we made pancakes. While I continued to make breakfast Shikamaru's Mum went up to wake up the other two. 

I was walking back to the hospital with Shikamaru to get another check up, let's just hope they say I can go home. It was quite while we walked. I showed no emotion but on the inside I was being ripped apart knowing I could never keep this happiness I've found. I knew for a fact Orochimaru would come after me one day. And it scared me. I stole a glance at Shikamaru and my chest tightened again. Stupid emotions just accept that you can never be with him, he's to good for you.

We walked into the hospital and I started feeling uncomfortable, I hate hospitals they kinda remind me of the time I was with Orochimaru all those liquids he injected in to me and the pain the came along with them. I sat down on the hospital bed and the doctor started to examine me.

"She seems to be all better like nothing happened, she's fine I go home alone now." The doctor stated to much of my approval.

We left and me and Shikamaru parted ways. I was walking home and sorrow filled me, and I felt hopeless.

(A/N Okay warning, there is a part where Sora inflicts self harm. If this will upset you or make you uncomfortable please skip it, ill put another A/N at the end of that part. Hope you like this story.)

I ran into my apartment and threw my bags in the living room. I ran into the bathroom with tears in my eyes. I was useless and worthless. No one would care if I died. I pulled up my sleeves and took of my bandages. I looked down at my already sliced up arms. My scars were starting to slightly fade which showed it's been awhile since I cut.

I took a shaky breath and grabbed a kunai knife and brought it to my wrist. I sliced it as tears started falling down my face. I cut it again and another time. I was weak and pathetic. A stupid waste of space. My own parents didn't want me, why would anyone else want me? I cut it two more time and blood was everywhere. I switch arms and cut the other one 5 times. I fell to the bloodied ground as my arms bled. I leaned against the wall and cried. I cried for at least an hour. I slowly stood up and wrapped my arms up and cleaned up all the blood.

(A/N okay the self harm part is over.)

I went to the living room and grabbed my bag. I went into my room and threw my bag on the floor in doing so the hairpin Shikamaru got me fell out. I picked it up and stared at it. Stupid girl opening yourself up to people. You're not worth anyone's time, you just an outsider that will never belong anywhere.

I laid down on my bed and stared and the ceiling as I let my sorrow drown me. I sorry brother I can't accept my feelings for him it will only hurt me if I do. I meant to be alone and that will never change.