Jump (Dear Evan Hansen)

Welcome?

I continue to stare at the figure. What is he doing here? How could he forget and then remember? He begins to walk towards me, and the only thing that divides us is the couch, and time. Memories, thoughts, decisions, all shapes through time, time that we have spent divided. He takes his hands, and places them on top of mine, I quickly pull them away, out of reflex.

"You've... changed," he says slowly and quietly.

"Why?"

"What? Son I-"

"Don't call me son," I say, as anger rises in my blood, "you left us. You left me. Why are you even here? You can't just waltz your way back into this house. Into my life."

"But Evan, you don't understand-"

"Don't understand what? The fact that you left us for someone else," I spat, my volume increasing, "I don't know why you're here, but it's not that easy."

"They said you went missing. I got here as soon as I could."

"Well, you found me, but they found me first."

Footsteps begin to patter above us. Both of us freeze, and then the sounds of feet move to the stairs. Mom. I put my hands on dad's shoulders, and attempt to push him towards the door. He halts when a voice releases his name. We both turn around, there is mom.

"Heidi."

"What are you... why are..."

"The police contacted me about Evan going missing. I got here as quickly as I could."

"Oh really," she says, as tension rises in her voice, "you suddenly decide to come running back when your son is in danger. Did you know he has go to therapy and take pills? You never came running then."

"Heidi, please-"

Words get fired like canons. I feel like a small kid again. Powerless, while my parents scream their heads off. Like a story book getting read again and again, my mom screams, my dad shouts, and my mom begins to tear up. I go to speak but they don't notice me, just like usual. Soon enough, my dad will storm out the door, wondering why he even tried, and my mom will cry and head for the booze. This time, I try to speak louder.

"Dad!"

"NOT NOW EVAN."

He thrusts his hands towards my shoulders and pushes me to the ground. My mind flashes to when Connor shoved me a few days ago. I felt helpless; alone. Those feelings now reenter my body. I stare up at my parents for a minute, and see my world tear apart. My eyes begin to burn and I crawl away from them, staying close to the floor to avoid contact, whether that be eye or hand. I crawl to the door, my body still stinging from getting shoved, and open the door. I shut it behind me and whip out my phone. Words blur in my eyes from oncoming tears. As I scroll through my phone, tear drops roll down my face. I tap on the number I have been looking for, I feel myself begin to crumble, but I try to stay in one piece. The phone rings in my ear, and I can hear my parents muffled yelling through the door, making me walk away, and down the road. A voice replaces the ringing.

"Hello?"

"C-Connor?"

"Evan? What's going on? Is everything okay?"

"C-c-can I come o-over?"

"Of course. I'll be here."

"Thanks. See you then."

"Wait! Evan! Do you want me to stay on the phone with you?"

"I-it's fine. I'll call you if I need help."

"Okay. See you in a bit."

"Bye."

I hang up and continue to walk. Short breaths of air enter and exit my quivering lips. I take in the view around me as I walk by a park. Trees, stars, couples smiling while their kids play under lights shining on the park. Everybody seems so happy. I picture me and Zoe on one of the benches, smiling. And Connor, my brother in law, there with us. I'm out of my cast, and the three of us are having a great time on the monkey bars with our kids. I continue to walk. After a few minutes, I reach my destination. The weight of the world still hangs on me, but I feel slight relief that I am away from my problems for once. I walk up to the Murphy's door, pull out my phone, and text Connor that I'm here. The door opens sooner than I expected, Connor almost hitting himself with it. He guides me upstairs and slams his door. Once again, we sit on his bed. He is about to open his mouth but I lean into him and he hugs me.

There is something about Connor's presence that is so comforting. I know I've mentioned it before, well, Confident Evan has. That's why I can't remember it too well. I forget myself and I'm out of control when Confident Evan takes over. Real Evan hasn't been able to pin what it is about Connor, until today. Connor doesn't expect anything from me. Mom wants me to go to therapy, and do drugs. My father just shoved me to the floor. My therapist expects me to write letters and have this revolutionary recovery. Connor expects nothing of me. Connor just wants me to be happy. And for once, I am.

My eyes slowly shut and I let myself enjoy Connor's body supporting mine. His surprisingly strong figure and his warm, calm arms, rubbing against me. I feel like I can be myself when I'm with him. I let myself enjoy the present, but I also let my mind wander to the future. I remember I have a slight project to work on, and that I'm going to need Connor's help.

Confident Evan, here we come.