Jump (Dear Evan Hansen)

Testifying

The chatter pings from one person to the next. I sit quietly and fidget with my hands, listening to each unique voice add their perspective to the incident. That one, tiny, avoidable incident. The only voice I don't hear is Connor's. I look up, curious, and see him glance at the ground. He hasn't been standing up for himself. He's been too busy making sure that you're okay. Mom, on the other hand, is going full on mom mode. I take a minute to observe her body language; tense. It almost matches Mr. Murphy's. Mrs. Murphy's body appears nervous, and so does Jared's. Both of the Kleinman's give off a look of anger, and disappointment in their son. Body language fascinates me; the way it tells a story. Mr. Levenson hands Connor the letter, who skims over it. "My god Jared," he hisses out, "what the-"

"Language, Connor," Mrs. Murphy cuts in.

"I didn't even swear-"

"Well, it sounded like you might," she implies. Connor rolls his eyes and Jared looks to take the letter but Connor rips it away from his direction.

"Maybe," I begin saying and the room becomes silent, "you wrote that because you don't know what it's like to have a real friend." Jared just stares. He doesn't move, he just stares.

"I do so! Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure I told you about the girl I got to second base with. She wouldn't have done that if she wasn't my friend."

"Well all of that aside-"

"My apologies for interrupting you Mr. Levenson, but I'm interested in hearing about this girl," Mrs. Kleinman says.

"Maybe it's best that you discuss that alone, and later on."

"Agreed!" Jared yelps loudly. His parents give him dirty looks and Mr. Levenson continues to look like he is going to speak but doesn't. Jared continues to make jokey remarks about Connor and I until I finally explode.

"I DON'T LOVE CONNOR! I mean, as I friend I love him, but I love Zoe! Okay? I love Zoe!" I cover my mouth in shock at what I just admitted. The only Murphy that doesn't know about my crush is Zoe. Connor knows, Mr. and Mrs. Murphy know. Even the principal knows!

Multiple conversations going on at once, and the adults glare at my beet red face; but I close my eyes and take deep breaths. Connor's voice runs through my head from when he has helped me before.

In. It's going to be okay. Out. In. You will be found. Out.

I'm ripped from my thoughts when there is a gentle knock at the door. The group turns towards the door in curiosity. Mr. Levenson sighs, and invites the person in. The door opens slowly, and I turn my head to the ground. In walks a pair of Converse and jeans with stars scribbled along the cuffs.

Oh no god no please not now.

Slowly, I lift my head and see the most beautiful and perfect girl in the world standing in front of me. She's stunning. I feel my hands begin to clam up, and my redness fill my face. A body shoves Zoe into the wall and exits the room.

"Connor Murphy, you get back here," Mrs. Murphy shouts. I stand up and help Zoe, my hands shaking rapidly. Then I bolt out the door and hear a voice call my name; but don't look back. I move at the speed of light, my feet barely touching the ground. I see a blurred body run into the janitor's closet, and follow it. I slam into the door and collapse to the ground. I sit, feeling defeated, and catch my breath. Resting my head up against the door, gentle sobs fill my ears.

"C-Connor," I whisper. The sobs continue. Slowly, I reach towards the door handle and open the door. I crawl into the dark space and shut the door. "What's wrong, Connor?" He lifts his head and I barely make out the streaks of wet that line his face. I rummage through the dark and locate a flashlight. I turn it on, and see Connor clearly now. He is crumpled up, shaking, and tears are rushing down his face. I pull him into a hug, trying to recall what he does to comfort me. I know I won't do as good of a job as he does, but it's worth a shot. My hands wrap around his weak body, which caves into me. I take my right hand and begin rubbing it in circular motions around his back. Finally, his sobs turn into sniffles, and he pulls away from me. I prop the flashlight up against the wall, and it faces towards the ceiling; a small beam of light filling the room. "Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"

Connor stares at me for a minute. "Evan, I have feelings," he says, choking on his words, and then taking a long pause. "For you," he blurts out, before curling into a ball on the floor and crying. I stare in disbelief.

"W-what's it like?"

He jolts up and sniffles, looking in confusion. "W-why?"

"I think I might have them too."