Jump (Dear Evan Hansen)

Confident Evan

"See you later, mom! I'll be at Jared's."

"Again? Good lord, Evan, what are you doing?"

"A project. Got to get an A!"

I scurry out the door and begin to walk. I've mastered the way to the house by now. It's more simple than you'd think, actually. Each day, I enjoy it more and more. To drop suspicions when I reach my destination, I've been coming through the living room window, which is right next to the staircase to get upstairs. Once again, I arrive. I whip out my phone, send a text, and wait for the window to open. Once it does, I tiptoe over, and sneak through it. We close the window behind us, and run upstairs. Once we get to his room, he locks the door, and we begin.

"Evan Hansen."

"Connor Murphy," I reply and we both giggle.

The only reason I keep telling my mom that I am at Jared's and not the Murphys is because it seems more realistic. She would never believe I became best friends with some kid overnight. And also, I don't need her knowing that Connor is helping me with this. School project, sure; but this is no school project.

"Okay, I want you to pretend that I'm a kid at school, who just said something mean to someone. Sounds cliché, but it's a good start."

"Okay... Um, what exactly did that person just say?"

"Oh, it's probably good to know," he says with a laugh. "Let's see.... oh! Why are you here, you must have missed the sign. Loserville is that way," he says in a snobby accent, causing me to laugh. He looks at me and smiles, and I return the gesture.

"Um... that was a good one by the way. Okay... hey! Back off."

"Evan," he says standing up, "you need to be bolder. You don't need to get them mad, but you need to get your point across. You said that Confident Evan comes on when you're angry. Pretend one of those situations just happened, except with what I said."

I never told Connor that Confident Evan has only appeared when people underestimate or talk bad about him. I figured that would make it more awkward. I picture that the person just said it to Connor, and I feel Confident Evan coming on. I grin, pleased, and attempt to control Confident Evan a little more than I usually can. I see Connor spat more insults in a deep voice and I loose control.

"STOP. He never did anything to you. You just haven't taken the time to get to know him. He's amazing, he'll understand you if you just take the time to know him! My god, give Connor a break!"

He looks up at me with wide eyes and my face reddens. Silence chokes me, and wraps me in its wrath. I feel the oxygen in the room slip away. My feet are rooted to the floor and my face prickles with numbness.

"Evan, I-"

I run to the door, my hands beginning to sweat and I fling it open. I almost tumble down the stairs, running faster than I ever have. My eyes sting and I feel my chest cave with weakness. My knees become weak but I keep running. The world around me blurs and I leap out the front door of the house. I hear someone, something, calling my name. I loose sense of direction and just run. I don't know where I'm going. I run into the park, the sun setting. My leg gets caught on something and I fall into the wood chips. My body curls into a ball and I feel like the end of the world is near. Muffled noises of pain, embarrassment, and sorrow escape me as tears pour onto the ground around me. I feel a hand on my shoulder, making me flinch.

"Evan."

I look up in the direction of the soft voice and see Connor through blurred eyes. His gentle arms wrap around me as he kneels in the wood chips and pull me up into his chest. He holds me close to him, and says nothing. I let my body crumble on top of him. I sob, helpless.

"He went that way, mom," a voice rings out.

I look up at Connor, who has perked up. We see a flashlight and he cusses under his breath. He tries to help me up, but I feel overly weak from everything. He finally hauls me up, and cradles me in his arms, working quickly. I hear him grunt under his breath, probably since the only other thing he has lifted of this weight is the printer in second grade. I feel him move, but I can tell he tries his best not to hurt me. We head towards the playscape but come to a halt. I notice a beam of light surrounding us as day turns into night.

"Connor Murphy, what could possibly be your reason for sneaking out... and to a park?"

Mrs. Murphy. Connor takes deep breaths but doesn't turn around. Carefully, he bends down and places me on one of the steps of the playscape. He makes sure his legs block me, which I don't fully understand. Slowly, he turns to face them. All I can see are Connor, and the beam of light.

"He's probably buying drugs to get high again," Zoe adds.

"Shut up!"

"You shut up!"

"Both of you, enough," Mrs. Murphy says. "Come here, Connor. We're going home."

"No, I can't."

"Yeah mom, you have to give the drug dealer some time to run away."

"Zoe Murphy, go stand with your father! Now Connor, I am going to say this once more. Come. Here."

Connor stands his ground, and I realize why. He doesn't want people to see me like this. He wants to protect me. He doesn't want me to be embarrassed. I silently thank him, knowing he doesn't here me, and swing myself to the other side of the platform. I crawl, wincing at the wood chips that prickle against my skin, and make my way to a tree planted firmly in the grass. I slide up and lean against it. Peeking my head around the corner, I see Connor, unaware of my disappearance, and his mother begin to walk towards him. He adjusts his stand, still blocking the stairs.

"What are you hiding?"

"Nothing."

Finally, after verbal doubts and different attempts, Mrs. Murphy makes her way around Connor. He goes to defend himself but is shocked when I am gone. For a moment, I see a glimmer of panic in his eyes as he takes a quick glance around the park. I give him a wave and a thumbs up, and he smirks back. I can see his body relax.

"See, I told you. Nothing."

He looks back up, and I see him mouth something.

'Good start.'

He smirks and walks away from the park, leaving me warm inside.

I guess Confident Evan is closer than I thought.