Broken Pieces

Chapter thirty-one

Lying faceup on my bed, thinking of so many things that I couldn't even pinpoint one to hold onto, one that made me comfortable — just showed me how unstable I still was even if my nightmares and need to use drugs to calm down hadn't come recently. I still have had one or two little/minor episodes.

Tilting my head from side to side, smiling sadly and trying to block my sad thoughts only to fail, showed I could never find complete closure.

I almost picked my phone from its position beside me on the bed to cancel with Caden but the thought of sleeping alone tonight wasn't looking bright to me. Sleeping beside Caden wasn't seeming like a great future right then either.

Sex wasn't what I wanted or needed, it seemed wrong. Maybe companionship but it would be useless because my heart kind of felt like it was protected by a shield that made my emotions and thoughts a jumble of messes.

Nothing was making sense and my feelings seemed void.

I had to make a decision quick though. I could send my dad’s nurse back and stay with him tonight, since Andrea was on her night shift or go to Caden’s tonight.

I released a heavy sigh as I weighed my options and in the next minute felt my body stand up and I watched myself pack an overnight bag, decision made.

Even though I had things at Caden’s, I needed the extra clothes because I was planning to go from his house to my store the next day. My essentials were packed and I went out the door, locking my room behind me.

My dad was still awake when I got out. I hid the overnight bag behind me, placing it in a corner as I moved toward him with worry in my heart because I had no idea why he was still up at this time.

I looked at his nurse who shrugged in answer to the question in my eyes. I sighed as I stood in front of my dad looking at his dead-looking hazel eyes. The exact shade of mine and sadly, almost the same dead look as mine right now.

We both knew the reason as in three days, it would be the exact fourth year we lost mom.

We never talked about it, all my dad did was mope around at this time. We both moped actually but we moped separately never together. The first year of her death, dad went into deep depression while I tried to make him come out of it when I was in the same thing. He came out of it himself but we still never really talked about it. We’d rather tiptoe around the topic.

I crouched to look into his eyes and watched as he jerkily moved his face to the right side. Breaking eye contact. But not before I saw the lone tear slide down his eye.

I felt my own eyes water and had to turn my eyes heavenward as I sniffled to prevent them from falling.

“D-dad, why don't I take you to your room, you need to rest now.” I shakily suggested as I gently raised a hand to wipe the tear from his eye.

I proceeded to assist him in standing up and moving him to his room with help from his nurse, Doris. She didn't ask questions something I loved about her and really appreciated right then.

Because though I had no idea what exact questions were in her mind I knew I would surely be curious if I saw a father and daughter looking on the verge of a breakdown and had no idea what caused it.

She silently left the room after we laid my dad on his side. I looked at his shrunken form in bed and felt a tear slide down. It was wiped away but not before more joined the lone tear from both eyes this time.

I stayed above him, standing, crying and immediately wiping them away while I was sure he was also weeping where he laid down. I watched his body shake with the force to hold it in.