TURNING PAGES

is it really?

**
Still 5 YEARS AGO.

THE feeling after opening my eyes is not that awful. I looked around and saw the people who matter most. My parents are here, my siblings, my friends and his family. I looked up to check what time is it and it is already 11 in the evening. They must be tired. He is still not here and it's making me sick. The lamp illuminates my hospital room and then I thought of the last thing that happened.

Naalala kong mamatay na ko. Anong nangyare? Bakit andito pa ko? Hinawakan ko ang kamay ni Papa na nakapatong ang ulo sa kama ko. He immediately opened his eyes, halatang pagod ang mga mata at galing sa pag-iyak. "Anak? Kath!" Napatayo siya at agad na lumapit sakin. I smiled weakly. Halos lahat sila nagising agad at lumapit sakin. Paano sila pinayagang magstay dito lahat?

"Kath, how are you feeling?" Ngumiti sakin si Mama at kitang-kita ko ang pag-aalala. What confuses me right now is that happiness is evident on her. Anong meron?

"I'm, I-im okay... masakit pa rin pero I am okay." I looked around. Bakit ko pa ba siya hinahanap? Two weeks niya na nga akong di binalikan.

"Kath," Umupo si Mama sa tabi ko. "We have something to tell you."  Hinawakan  niya ang kamay ko. Tungkol ba 'to kay DJ? Medyo sumaya ang pakiramdam ko. Bumalik na ba siya kaya masaya na rin sila Tita Karla?

"A-ano 'yon, Ma?"

"God listened to our prayers. Miracle daw sabi ng Doctor ang nangyari sa kondisyon mo. You're okay now Kath. You just have to take some meds para maging fully okay pero you're almost there. Sobrang...sobrang..." Hindi na natuloy ni Mama ang sasabihin niya dahil naiyak nalang siya. Lumapit sakanya si Tita at niyakap ito.

I can't believe it. Okay na ko? Paano nangyari 'yon? Andami kong tanong at ang huli ko pang natatandaan ay naghihingalo na ko. Ang huli kong natatandaan ay parang makikipagagawan para sakin si kamatayan.

Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko at naiyak sa tuwa. Totoo ba 'to? O panaginip lang. Lumapit sakin si Kuya at niyakap ako. "I though we will lose you, Kath." Hinalikan niya ko sa ulo. "I love you so much, bunso."

"I love you, too, Kuya...." Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala. Palipat-lipat ang tingin ko sakanila at sunod-sunod na tumulo ang luha mula sa mga mata ko. Thank you Lord.

"S-si DJ? Alam niya na ba?" Naglakas loob akong magtanong tungkol sakanya. Napatingin sila sa isa't-isa.

"Hindi..hindi namin alam, Kath, kung asaan si DJ." Si Mama ang sumagot.

"But I will let him know." This time, it is Tita Karla. She kissed my head and smiled at me genuinely. I smiled back to her.

At 'yon ang huling gabi nang pagkapit ko sa pag-asa. I lost all hope and chances that I was keeping with me all along. I lost it all nang malaman kong may iba na siya. It was Kai. And he was with her the whole time. While, I, I am suffering and silently praying that one day he will come back and hold my hand until my last breath. Because he said so. Because I thought so. Because I thought it was love. Is it really?

**