(ATLANTIS) - haylor au

chapter twentyseven

His face becomes small as I turn to face him. "Yeah. It never happened. Whatever you want." Harry sounds almost spiteful as he speaks.

"You know that's not what I meant."

"Then what did you mean?" Harry throws his cup into the sink, still with coffee in it. He's trying not to raise his voice. "Why do you want to complicate everything?"

"I'm not." I reply quickly. "We're friends, Harry. We used to be best friends and we both know why we aren't anymore." I remind him with a firm voice. "I meant what I said last night. I want us to go back to being like that." Harry's breathing heavily, facing me. He winces at my words.

"Yeah. You can have that. We can never be anything more than that. We'll just be best friends."

"If that's what you want."

"No." He grits his teeth. "That's what you want. It's always been what you want." He's looking at me like he's annoyed, disgusted and angry all at once. "You've never cared about me. Not as much as I've cared for you." I push him with both my hands as he says that.

"Don't start with me. You just want to argue." I'm trying to stay calm but he knows he's struck a nerve and hurt me. "You know that's not true."

"You kissed me four years ago." He says as if I've forgotten. As if I haven't played that memory in my head in the last 24 hours over and over again after he told the story. "You told me you liked me. You told me you wanted to be my girlfriend." Harry's got his index finger pointed at me.

"Yeah, so what?" I roll my eyes. "Harry, you had like a billion girlfriends after I said that. You've dated more than that." I snap.

"You said all that and the next day, you ask me to forget it." He breathes, finishing his monologue. "It's never been about me. You told me all that and you asked me to forget that. You stopped being my friend." He breathes heavily again, not looking at me. He's looking past me. Harry's eyes look so sad and I want to pull him into a hug. "But I've always been your friend. I've been pretending like you never said those things to me but — "

"It was dumb, Harry." I try to reason, closing my eyes and opening them again. "I had a crush on you. I told you that and you didn't say anything so of course, I wanted you to forget that. It was too embarrassing. I can't even be in the same room with you in a serious way. I can't be real with you." I say but I start to feel a lump in my throat.

"You never gave me a chance."

"It doesn't matter." I choke out almost laughing. I'm laughing because of the situation we're in. Do I like Harry Styles? Does he like me? Why are we in someone else's kitchen discussing this at all? "Do you like me?" I turn to him and he's frozen, only blinking at me. "If you can't answer that then we've got nothing to talk about!" I raise my hands up in frustration but I can't help but let out a humourless laugh.

Being friends with Harry after that first kiss has always been out of convenience. I'd been so embarrassed that I was fully prepared to cut him out my life even though it made my tiny little young heart ache a lot. Harry was my ex-best friend and, not to mention, a childhood friend who is friends with all my other best friends. So, he stuck around but I kept my distance. He never questioned me after that day and when we were best friends, that's what I liked best about him — how he could just get me.

"Taylor."

"Harry, I'm serious."

He steps toward me and I step backward. "I can't look at you." I already regret saying it because he winces again. Harry looks at me a few moments longer and heads back out to the conservatory.

I follow him out. "Don't fucking follow me out." He snaps, violently turning around to face me. I read his face like a book when he looks at me. I finally see the damage I've done. "You can't just say those things to me and expect me to be okay!" His voice is still loud, angry and hurt.

"I'm sorry." I breathe. "I won't say things like that again." I promise, looking up at him carefully. His face softens but he's still standing at a distance and staring. "I'll tell you about him." I'm biting my inner cheek, nodding at Harry.

"Him?"

"Jake."

We're seated on the kitchen floor with our backs against the kitchen counter we were just standing over. For a while, I just enjoy sitting beside Harry. I'd like to believe that he does too. If I concentrate, I can hear him breathe.

"Taylor." He finally says, turning on his head to me. I turn my head to face him and his eyes are still puffy because he's just woken up or maybe that's he always looks like in the morning.

"Yeah." I roll my eyes with a small smile and start. "Jake is this guy I dated the summer before junior year." It's painful to even remember or talk about it but I'm trying to spit the words out without choking on the lump in my throat that's forming right now. "All of us would go into the city really frequently, you know Karlie's parents have a penthouse right?" I ask but don't look at him for an answer.

"Yeah, Jake was a Year 2 University student and we bumped into each other at the supermarket or something dumb like that. The girls and I were having a picnic that day or something and Gigi couldn't keep her smartass mouth shut about something Jake and his friends were talking about." I pause and look over at Harry. He has his lips pursed and his eyes are looking so intently at me that I feel myself blush a little.

"So," I choke out, looking down onto my hands. "I must've caught his eyes because his number was in my shopping basket and they told me to call him. I mean, it seemed harmless. But then, the entire summer I was either in his dorm or brought him over to my house and I was mostly in the city. I hung out with his friends sometimes but he mostly kept me away from them. I saw them and they saw me though, on campus." I close my eyes. Stupid, stupid, stupid. "I thought he was my boyfriend and I'm hanging out with Karlie and Gigi back in the city and we're at this cafe. He's just there with some other girl." I can't get the words out. He was kissing her and touching her like he used to touch me.

Harry's arm is draping over my shoulders as he pulls me closer to him. "He was like we weren't exclusive." I throw my hands up and laugh humourlessly. "I mean obviously, he was fooling around with me. Maybe hanging out every day and being together with each other every other night isn't enough!" I'd be crying at this point but my tears have run dry, remembering this story.

I turn to face Harry and he's still looking at me. It's intense and I feel like he might kiss me. He doesn't. "It doesn't matter if you weren't 'exclusive', you definitely deserve better than that. He should've told you at least."

"Harry, I was devastated. I thought I meant something to him! He was toying with me. I could've been in love with him, Harry. He just disregarded my feelings as if I was a stranger." I let go and fall on Harry now because it feels like only yesterday since it's happened.

"You're great, Taylor. You're so terribly amazing and I wish you were treated with that in mind." His voice sounds delicate, running his hands up and down my back. He makes me feel so safe and it hurts me when I remember he's the first person to not have reciprocated my feelings. It wouldn't hurt if he wasn't holding me like this but he is and if I'm so damn great why doesn't he feel the same way about me?

I'm shaking my head as I begin to sob and I fucking hate it. I don't want to cry. I don't want to cry in front of him. I cover my face and he only holds me tighter. "You don't ever have to talk about him with me or with anyone. I'm sorry I made you." Harry whispers.

I rest my head on his shoulder, allowing myself to let go just this once. "I won't." My lips are quivering because I'm trying my best not to break out into a fit of sob again. I feel so heartbroken all over again and I can tell this isn't about Jake.

We sit like this for a while. Harry has my hand in his, resting on his legs and this feels both sad and blissful. I'm still sniffling every once in a while and Harry's tightening his grip and loosening it. It's still so quiet in the house, no one's up.