This chapter contains self harm. Read at your own risk.
Chiara
I grab the blade at walang pag-alinlangan kong binuksan ang wrapper nito, I heaved a deep sighed before making my way palabas ng banyo at umupo ako sa dulo ng kama ko.
This is the sixth time and I hope that this will turn out really successful, sana mamatay na lang talaga ako ng tuluyan.
Looking at my wrists, 'pag nabasa ito at matanggal ang concealer na inaaply ko araw-araw, you'll see a lot of stitches both left and right.
Bigla tuloy pumasok sa isip ko ang isang freshman student who allegedly introduced herself as my number 1 fan daw. She likes me because I'm cool, pretty, and smart. Sabi niya, most people might say na masama ang ugali ko but she believed na deep inside, mabait ako. She even said na gusto niya raw maging ako, na tutularan niya daw ako for being such a great example.
'Pag nalaman niyang I have suicidal tendencies, tutularan niya pa ba ako? Of course she won't. Sino ba naman ang nasa tamang pagiisip ang gayahin ang isang katulad ko. My life's a mess and so I am.
Dami pang iniisip. I shrugged my thoughts away at pinuwesto na ang posisyon ng blade sa pulsuhan ko.
I closed my eyes and I was about to push through the blade not until..
"Crashing, hit a wall
Right now I need a miracle
Hurry up now, I need a miracle."
Teka.. bakit ako tumigil, bakit hindi ko tinuloy? The song... parang, parang ako. Why do I feel like the lyrics of the song, sumasanto sa pakiramdam ko?
I'm still wishing for a miracle to happen. Na gaya ng dati, when I'm doing this, Daddy will suddenly barged in kaya hindi ko na maiitutuloy ang plano kong magpakamatay.
But in this case, I don't think makakahabol pa siya.
"Stranded, reaching out
I call your name but you're not around
I say your name but you're not around."
He is around but when it comes to me, he isn't. Hindi na gaya ng dati na ako lang. Ngayon, meron ng Alysse.
"I need you, I need you, I need you right now
Yeah, I need you right now
So don't let me, don't let me, don't let me down
I think I'm loosing my mind now."
Ang isang anak mo Daddy, nababaliw na. I lost my mind and I don't know what to do anymore, killing myself is the only option that I can count on in this situation. I need you to stop me.
"It's in my head, darling I hope
That you'll be here, when I need you the most
So don't let me, don't let me, don't let me down
D-don't let me down."
Wait... teka? Where the heck is that song coming from and why am I having a monologue before killing myself?
Binitawan ko muna ang blade na hawak ko at kaagad na pinakiramdaman ang paligid ko,
"Don't let me down
Don't let me down, down, down
Don't let me down, don't let me down, down."
I looked back at halos mapatampal ako sa noo ko upon seeing my phone vibrating on top of my bed side table, dalawa pala ang cellphone ko! How can I forgot the fact na ringtone ko pala iyon?
Lazily, I stood up and went to that direction as I immediately picked up the phone without checking the caller ID.
"Finally, you picked it up! Inenjoy mo pa talaga ang tunog ng ringtone mo ano?" someone said from the other line, making my forehead creased. The voice isn't familiar, sino naman 'to?
"What hell? Who is this?" tanong ko sa kabilang linya.
"Gaga! May 'who is this' ka 'pang nalalaman, ako 'to, si Dianne." mas lalong kumunot ang noo ko sa sinabi niya. Dianne? I don't know anyone with that name. Pinagloloko ba ako nito?
"Pardon? I don't know you." wika ko, tumawa ang nasa kabilang linya na para bang nanunukso. Sino ba 'to?
"Nako, tigilan mo ako Jill ah!" sambit niya na ikinataas ng kilay ko, Jill? Sino naman iyon?
"You're mistaken, I am not Jill." I hissed, hindi siya kaagad nakapag-salita like she was taken aback.
"Hala, hala! Sorry! Wrong number ang nalagay ko sorry talaga!" she apologized, making me roll my eyeballss, pero dahil tumawag siya.. she's the one who stopped me from killing myself so I guess, I must thank her.
"Dianne whoever you are, alam mo ba kung ano ang ginagawa ko bago ka tumawag?" tanong ko sa kanya.
"Ah, eh, ano? Sorry talaga!"
"I was about to kill myself. Ilang metro na lang ang layo ng blade sa pulsuhan ko pero dahil tumawag ka, naudlot ang ginagawa ko and that I have to stood up and pick this call so... thank you. You're an angel in disguise." I answered before ending the call without waiting for her response.
Napangiti na lang ako as I made my way to the balcony upang magpahangin and to cool myself.
I changed my mind. Hindi na lang pala ako magpapakamatay, I have a lot of things to do, sayang naman kung maaga pa akong mamatay, 'di ba?
Ibabalik ko ang lahat ng sakit na dinulot nila sa' kin. I have no one in this world, tanging sarili ko lang ang masasandigan ko. Like what Aunt Marie said to Eden in one of those Barbie movies I used to watch when I was young, in this selfish world, only the selfish people succeed.
Tomorrow, they'll be surprise to see a new me because starting this night, I promised to wear my halo.
___
Morning came and here I am, smiling widely making my way downstairs. Nakasalubong ko si Lea na paakyat so I stopped at hinarangan siya. Kunot noo niya naman akong tinignan.
"You need anything, Chia?" tanong niya, umiling ako at niyakap siya.
Oh, how I badly want to strangle this woman to death but of course, huwag muna ngayon.
"I'm sorry for being rude, kagabi ko lang po na-realize that my actions towards you are... not good so I'm really sorry." I said after breaking our hug, trying to sound sincere as ever.
Lea put the back of her palm at my forehead while eyeing me suspiciously, "Wala ka namang lagnat? Okay ka lang ba talaga?"
I chuckled, "Yes, I'm okay po, Tita Lea." I answered, back at it again with the Tita thing, I have to call her that para syempre, makuha ko ang tiwala niya.
"It's okay, I miss the way you smile at me." wika niya, tumawa lang ako at nagpaalam na bababa na, so we separated ways.
Sus, kung alam niya lang kung gaano ako nasusuka while trying to compose myself in front of her, but anyway..
Dumiretso ako sa kusina at dun ko naman naabutan si Daddy na umiinom ng kape, asan si Alysse?
Oh well, mabuti nga at wala siya dito ngayon, I can talk privately to Dad.
"Dad... last night, I'm sorry. I was just tired at kung ano-ano na ang mga sinabi ko, I'm really sorry po. I don't mean it at all and I hope, you didn't took it seriously. I'm really, really sorry." nakayukong sambit ko.
From my peripheral vision, I can see that Dad stood up as he make his way to my direction and out of the blue, he hugged me really tight. Woah, ngayon niya lang ulit ako nayakap after what? Months? Seriously, kayang-kaya kong isipin kung ilang beses lang ako niyakap ni Daddy.
"I should be the one to say that Chia. I'm sorry, sana sinundo na lang kita. I'm really sorry, I'll make it up to you." aniya and secretly, napangiti na lang ako.
Ang galing kong umarte, mag-artista na lang kaya ako and oh halo, your such a good help!
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BINABASA MO ANG
A Love To Remember
FanfictionSometimes, you need to open your heart and learn how to love again.. 「 A LeAga Fanfiction 」
