Imagine Me Darker

Chapter 17

After Kate left I sit on the bench feeling as alone as ever. Emotions and feelings flood my brain then recede like a tide. I feel mad at Dr. Artland, for making me feel so alone. I feel lonely, and anxious to get back to Mark. Upset with Mark for making me come here, when I'm perfectly okay. Excited about being able to see Lily and Kate more often. Tired, and just longing to go home.

I still worry about Anti. He really did look horrible. I was surprised how well he could walk.

Mark would probably think he isn't real. This thought comes into my head, and I'm not able to shake it. If I did tell him, would he believe me? I shake my head. Of course he wouldn't No one in their right mind would believe in Anti or Dark. If I would try to explain it to him...he wouldn't understand. He'd think I was crazy.

Suddenly the door opens, and I jump away, startled.

"Hey," says Dr. Artland, "Can you join us again?"

I sigh and follow him into the room. The first thing I do is glance in the mirror, looking for Anti, but all I see is myself. But, technically, it's the same thing, right?

I sit in my original seat, and glimpse at Mark. Once again, I can tell he was crying. But, he's trying to hold himself together.

For me.

That's the thing about Mark. He tries so hard to be the rock in the relationship. He wants to be the strong one. And, sometimes, he is. But, inside, he's just a big teddy bear. A big, emotional, cuddly teddy bear.

And that's why I love him.

"Okay, Sean," the doctor starts, "Tell me what's been happening to you."

"What do you mean?" I ask, playing stupid.

"Well, when you were out in the hallway, Mark was telling me you've been struggling to fall asleep?"

"I guess so, but I have always been like that."

"Okay, but was it hard to fall asleep because of anything unusual, like auditory or visual disturbances?"

I don't answer. The doctor must take it as a yes because he doesn't miss a beat.

"What have you been hallucinating about, or what are you hearing?"

Silence. I don't want to tell him. I don't think I trust Dr. Artland. I feel like there is something he's...hiding something maybe? I don't know.

"Seanie?" Mark comforts, "Sean can you please tell him?" He puts his hand on mine. I resist pulling back; his hand is freezing.

"But why?" I say quietly, "What will telling him do?"

The doctor shifts his weight and replys, "Sean, if you tell me what's exactly bothering you, I can make themor it go away. I can prescribe you some antipsychotic or lithium meds. And maybe even therapy. Our main concern is to get rid of your hallucinations."

I nod, but don't continue. The doctor nods as if I actually told him something. Then he grabs his clipboard, and flips through. Then, he looks up.

"Well, I'm sorry to say it but we're out of time. The next appointment was supposed to start fifteen minutes ago."

Mark starts to apologize, but Artland puts up a hand.

"It's fine. It happens. But we need to talk about our next step," he pauses and looks at me.

"Sean, I think you need to come back. We need to get you into some therapy, at least until all of this goes away."

Out of the corner of my eye I see Mark nodding, taking in the doctor's every word.

"Here's a card of a doctor I recommend you talk to. He is more qualified to diagnose you."

He hands me a card with a professional looking name on it.

Psychiatrist? Therapist? The doctor continues to talk, but I don't listen. I can't focus on anything right now. I have just realized that this appointment is not going to be a one time thing. No, I will not be able to keep this silence.

I need to talk to Anti. That's the first thought. My second thought is how am I going to get out of this?

Why do I need to tell them anything, anyways? I think, Why do they care?

Mark stands, so I do too. He thanks the doctor for his time and us