"Fix Me"

The Riddles.

Chapter 8.

"I'm a little confused here Ella, are you with Presley.. or Cody?" Dr.Hamish asked her eyebrows furrowing in confusion. For the past twenty minutes of this therapy session I've been speaking to Dr.Hamish about school. She came up with this idea that to make things easier for myself only talk about what's currently bothering me, instead of slicing open old scabs. And this week is boy/school problems. I told her about all my embarrassing and heated moments with Presley, the happy and adorable moments with Cody and the whole decorating committee situation.

I sighed and ran my hands through my hair, wincing when I pulled through a knot ,"Neither! One minute me and Presley hate each other the next his lips are on mine. He's so moody i've come to the conclusion he's secretly a girl and it's that time of the month.. A girl with perfectly chiseled abs, a strong jaw line, gorgeous cheek bones, hair you just wanna run you hands through. GOD he's so infuriating he makes me want to rip my hair out. Then there's Cody he's so sweet and playful and charming. It's impossible to not smile around him! and he's super model hot. I don't even know if I have feelings for them or not really and truly. In the end neither of them will want me anyway because life isn't a book.

No guy will kiss my scars, or throw rocks at my window to get my attention, no guy will follow me into a book store and share details on their favorite novels with me over tea or Starbucks. No guy wants a girl with mental scars deeper than the ones scattered over her body. No guy will promise me the world, or hold me when I cry, or be my knight in shinning armor because happy endings for me don't exist.This is pointless, frustrating and confusing as hell. I'm seconds away from biting my nails down to the stubs or pulling all my fucking hair out." I stood from the plush couch and paced back and forth. I need a drink.

"I believe in love. I believe in hard times and love winning. I believe marriage is hard. I believe people make mistakes. I believe people can want two things at once. I believe people are selfish and generous at the same time. I believe very few people want to hurt others. I believe that you can be surprised by life. I believe in happy endings." She said.

I stopped my pacing and stared at Dr.Hamish, amazed by her words. She's a therapist because she has a past. A bad one too. She went through years of abuse with her husband, he had a drug addiction and when she wouldn't give his sorry ass money for it he would beat her. She lived in fear for years, but one day when she was beat so badly she almost died she gained something that helped her move on, something that brought her where she is today. She gained courage.

Dr.Hamish never seizes to amaze me with her wise words and confidence when she speaks of her life story. I sat back down at the edge of my seat.

"How.. h-how do you do it Doctor Hamish? How are you so optimistic when all life does is push you down. Why won't you stay down? I'm tired if the constant battle." my eyes became teary as I watched her with a somber expression.

"My dear.. The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough. They're there to stop the other people."

"But Doctor Hamish I do want it! I want peace and happiness so badly, I want to love and be loved I want to make something of myself. But I don't know how. No matter how hard I try there is always something in the way."

She leaned forward in her seat, and looked me straight in my eyes with an emotion I could not decipher, "There's a difference between what you want.. and what you need Ella."

I opened my mouth to reply, but I was cut off by the shrill ringing of the buzzer on her desk. Doctor Hamish rose to her feet. I took a moment to wipe my tear stained face and collect myself before following after her.