"Fix Me"

Cloud Nine.

I tend to speak about God alot. Im sorry to those who are of different religions or don't believe in God. VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! COMMENT! please <3

Chapter 11.

December 3rd,2013

It was going good. It was going really good. I was getting better,happier. But I spoke to soon and as they say just as god listens to us so does the devil. And apparently I'm not on god's good side. I pray every night, but nothing happens. Are you there god? Or am I just a lost cause. I'm tired really is what I'll say when they ask me what's wrong. Tired of people. Tired of school. Tired of Living, breathing. The days go on and now I feel like there is not going to be another 'it's getting better' this is it. The End. You win. You all win. Dear devil please stop listening to me so closely. Dear god please acknowledge me.

I sighed and rested my pencil down, before leaning back against the bleachers behind me. Things haven't been going so good lately, school is still the same , my life at home is still the same but I feel different. It feels like I'm moving unconsciously. My body moves and words flow out but I feel trapped in my mind. I don't know if that makes sense but that's how I feel. The shrill ringing of the bell broke me out of my thoughts. Grumbling I stood to my feet and grabbed my things. The sound of hushed whispering came from behind me, my curiosity got the best of me and I crept around the bleachers to see what was going on. As I got closer a bitter scent filled the air making my eyes water, but I continued on. When I reached the other side of the bleachers at least five people were huddled together passing something around.

I cleared my throat, "Is that.. Is that weed?"

All heads turned to me and I became nervous. A girl with lavender colored hair and red blood shot eyes giggled while standing up and approaching me.

"Take a hit." she dared smirking mischievously at me. I immediately jumped back, my heart pounding. It always seemed to calm my mother.. Without it she was mean, and spiteful. Angry and violent but with it she was calmer and looked like she didn't have a care in the world. I swallowed nervously,

"I'm just going to g-go" Fuck me for stuttering.

She rolled her eyes and took another long drag from the joint between her fingers.

"Kat hurry the fuck up! Your hogging the joint. She's not game, so forget her!" someone from the group shouted.

I narrowed my eyes at it between her lips and reached out for it. She laughed and held it out for me. I gripped it between my thumb and forefinger, knowing what to do from watching my mother for years. It's pathetic how I can hate her for smoking, drinking, etc but I do the same exact things. A hypocrite despises those who deceives them.

The difference between my darkness and my mothers is that she could look hers in the face and accept it, while I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I've fallen prey to my own fabricated illusions.

With shaky hands I brought the joint between my fingers and inhaled slowly feeling a burning sensation creep up my throat, and self loathing wash over me. I exhaled and repeated before handing it back to the girl I've come to know is named Kat. She nodded her head towards the group still sitting huddled together, looking at peace with the world. I sat next to her and we stayed their passing the joint between each other. Puff, Puff then pass until it was down to a small useless bud. The world around me was foggy, but I felt relieved. I inhaled the fresh air sharply and exhaled a large smile taking over my face, probably making me look like I lost my shit completely.

"Alright love?" Kat asked me. I burst into a fit of laughter she followed after me. We laughed as if were not just broken and empty teens seemingly having no purpose in life, we laughed like the clouds in the sky weren't grey and we didn't just miss an entire period of class. When we finished laughing I laid arms spread out my head resting on the grass.