Friends.

Chapter 16: Rum & Choke

I'm safe under the covers of my bed with the lights off. Atleast I'm safe from the outside world. But I'm not safe from myself or the thoughts that are prying open my brain and swarming it with confusion. I can handle that though, I can handle the confusion and the psychological part of this, I think I can anyway.

But the rest is so much harder. I haven't felt my heart beat in an awfully long time, it's still there, pumping blood through my veins but it's failing at any other purpose it's meant to serve. I'm broken. Not just in two, but into a million different peices and I don't know if I'll ever feel better. I give up. I give up on everything, trying to be good at my job, trying to get over Harry, trying to be happy. I've given up on it all. Nothing matters anymore, everything seems so god damn trivial and I find myself asking the same question several times a day, what's the point of it all?

I've come to the conclusion that I don't think there is a point to this existence. If there is one, I'm completely immune to it. The only light in the past few days has been Louis' texts. But even then I read them and I feel a pang of guilt. Theres billions of people in the world and you have to fuck Niall? Harry was furious at that, I wonder how he'd feel if he knew I'd been talking to Louis.

I shouldn't be wondering how he feels, I shouldn't care about him at all. But it's just so hard not to after so long of having him as the first person I want to tell stuff to. I'm becoming very spiteful towards him. I want him to feel the pain that I feel.

When I finished high school and moved away to university, I had to break up with my high school boyfriend, Josh. He wanted to do long distance, but I just didn't see the point. After we broke up and I moved away, I stalked his Facebook wall to see what he was up to. And it killed me. He was having so much fun without me, going to parties all the time, hooking up with other girls and it was all over facebook. He was having so much fun without me, it made me feel like I never even mattered and he was better off without me. Thats how I want Harry to feel. I can't stand the thought of him and Fleur being happy together. Pictures of their wedding will kill me, their first child...every monumental thing that happens in his life is going to absolutely slay me.

I've been watching twitter the past few days, waiting for it to surface that him and Fleur are engaged. But it hasn't yet...they must be hiding it. It's going to kill his fans as much as it's killing me.

I want to run and hide in a completely different country and just never come back to this hell on earth. I was tempted to go to Mum and Dad's, but I just couldn't make myself. I don't want to run there whenever I'm sad or heartbroken...the way things are going lately, it's going to be very often. So I suffer in silence and try not to think about him.

@CharJones: when I close my eyes and try to sleep, I fall apart I find it hard to breathe...

@NiallOfficial: great song hey?! @CharJones @5SOS you've gained 'nother fan ha!!

...

One week down. One week since I found out he was engaged and it felt like my world fell apart. Sometimes I momentarily forget that I can't text him when something funny happens, or call him to tell him about my day. It's really hard to go through this, we weren't even together and he broke my heart. I knew he was going to, but I just can't accept it. I don't know or like this version of myself.

Niall: Come over tonight? :)

Me: for sure. see you later.

Just what I need, a night of Niall and fun. Distractions are everything at the moment, if I let my defence down for a second Harry manages to creep into my mind and bring the pain with him. My stomach is in knots constantly, my body aches and even though I'm trying my best not to let it get to me, his words are constantly filling my head. Every single one of them.