The Three Struggling Muslimahs

54

"What time can I go back home!?"
Khawla had to laugh for she couldn't believe what her brother was planning to do.

"Are you being serious right now!?"

"Khawla I'm so serious! What time can I come home?"
She rolled on the floor, laughing as she gasped for air.

"What's all the commotion for?" Ummu Khawla was just coming back from the market and Khawla being Khawla called her.

"Mamaaaaa! Come here please. I want you to listen to this!"
She put the bags on the counter and ran to the living room where her kids were.

"Tell me! Tell me!"
Khawla smiled. For she knew her mom wasn't truly interested but was pulling out a show for her. So she decided to go with the flow.

"You will not believe what your son is saying. I want Nusaibah and Rayhannah to come here tomorrow since its going to be Rayhannah's birthday right!? And we can't have it at their places cause their parents have stuff they have to do. So I was letting Muhammad here know and he wants to leave!"

"Mama! Do you want me here around girls!"

"BLACKMAIL!" Khawla shouted.

"More like brains!"

"Maaaaaaa! He's being disrespectful! Tell him to say sorry!"

"Muhammad!"

"I'm sorry Khawlaaaa. But seriously! I'm not staying."

"Fiiiine! Where will you go?"

"I'll be safe. Don't stress."

"Maybe by six we'll be done. Considering they won't be sleeping here. So yeah. By six."

"Let's do this. Call me when you are done. Okay?"

"Definitely. I'm inconveniencing you, I'm I not!?"

"Nooooooo! No you're not. Honestly!"

Khawla's phone rang.

Other half

"Its Rayhannah. I'll be right back."

A few moments later, Khawla reappeared and asked Muhammad to drop her at Rayhannah's.

"Is everything okay?"
He asked

"I'm about to find out."

To Khawla that was the longest drive ever. Rayhannah didn't seem too happy over the phone. It was either she was imagining it, or Rayhannah was being too formal.

"Keeping to yourself is not a solution friends would agree to. My Opinion." No salaams were said. Nusaibah was sitting in the furthest corner. Quiet and almost nonexistent as Rayhannah spoke for both of them. "We thought we should talk about this. If you really think we should fight for this or let things go as they are."

"Are you guys even serious!? Is this something you think we should say to each other!? Like honestly?"

"Yes there comes a point that people snap."

"Let what go!? The constant duahs? The everyday hustle to stay true to each other. What exactly are you guys okay with letting go of? Me? Nusaibah. You agree with Rayhannah don't you? Talk then. I wanna hear what you have to say."

All this while all three souls were silently thinking, would we ever get through this? Would we ever be the same again?

"Well you are the one who thinks that not sharing your problems with people 'who've had constant duahs and have hustled to stay true to you' is actually a solution."

"Because seeing you cry on my behalf is something I fancy?"
The first time Rayhannah had been told about what was going on she had cried right on the spot. Khawla blamed herself for that act every single time she remembered it.

"Don't make it about me," Rayhannah shot back.

"I said that because you hurting on my behalf doesn't make sense," Khawla answered.

"You isolating yourself hurts even more."

"Rayhannah! You actually think that me keeping to myself is for me!? You think me not talking about all this is for my benefit?"

"Point is, if we all decide to keep to ourselves then what's the point of having each other?" Rayhannah and Nusaibah chorused. Khawla felt as though a heavy rock had been placed on her heart. These were her two close friends. But what she didn't know was that the two girls were thinking and feeling the same thing.

"I'm sorry if I hurt you guys in any way. It wasn't my intention."

"Well we can't do anything about the hurting. Though seriously it actually seemed like you were ignoring us. I get you are in a healing process - or whatever it's called - But don't push us away."

"I'm not pushing anyone away."

"My point is if healing means drifting then ..."

That was all it took. The 'heavy rock' was no longer on Khawla's heart. She just felt numb. She couldn't cry amd neither did she want to.

"I've made myself as clear as I think could ever have. I've said I was sorry. But I won't force you to do something that you don't want to do. If I'm the one who is hurting you then by all means free yourself. I won't victimize myself and make you stay if you don't want to but just know that I'm always here."

"Khawla, you know I've never been as close as I am with you guys with anyone else. I don't like stressing and I thought us being there for you might not be enough since it was clear that you didn't want to talk to anyone."

"I've told you guys that I've never ever felt like this before. What I had with Umar was new. And so were the good moments and the bad. And the pain was so overwhelming and as expected for "first timers" I didn't know what to do. So I freaked and said a statement that I shouldn't have. But that's the thing. I'm not perfect and never will I ever be. So I won't promise you that I won't hurt you or anything but you sure as hell know I will try. I can't give more than that right now. That's my point."

"Well I think that's all we need. In shaa Allah kheyr."

"In Shaa Allah." And with that, Khawla got up to leave. Muhammad was already waiting outside. She got into the car and he knew for sure something was wrong. But he didn't ask. He should have, for Khawla vowed never to speak to anyone but him. For what was family for if not to help ease the hard moments of life.