Buzzed Hearts

89: a negative thought

CAMILA HATES THE COLD journey back to her dorm alone, especially after seeing her friends. Whenever she has a negative thought, Camila confronts it immediately.

    Lately, it's getting hard to do so.

    The weather has her down, not seeing her family for the holidays has her down, rehearsing for ChamberFest has her down, and being so far away from what's familiar to her has her down. On top of that, she can't stop thinking about Laurent.

    Camila is someone who would never sacrifice her art and her passion for someone outside of family. She's spent too long curating her skill, being criticized for pursuing music, and working her bones off for an opportunity at Juilliard to be distracted by a boy.

    However irrational it may be, it still hurts. It hurts that she wasted time on someone who didn't want the same things as she did at the time and it hurts that she's so hung up over someone she was never involved with.

    She never forgets, which is why her heart squeezes again at the thought of where things were just a month ago.

    "You know, it's okay," Oliver said.

    "What?" she asked.

    "It's okay to be sad. I don't know what's going on with you but it's better than not being sad."

    "I'm not sad."

    "Exactly," he said, "because you're trying to 'stay strong' or something. It doesn't work that way."

    Camila sighed, foot tapping against the floor as they waited for Jeremy to come back. "You're right. I'm feeling pretty down these days."

    "Same. Why do you think I'm stalling in New York?"

    "You don't want to go to your internship?"

    "Not at all, man. I'm probably just being stupid about it but I've been feeling so homesick lately so." He shrugged. "You know what, let's just eat now."

    After they finished, they took a walk. Camila rehashes their conversation as she takes a shower. She learned a lot about him—how he used to surf a lot, has a little sister, and hates eating sweets even though he bakes. It's been awhile since Camila's felt this relaxed around someone and their walk was almost therapeutic.

    Back in high school, she would have never imagined she'd be where she is now—Juilliard and talking to Oliver Knight, with Jeremy living just a few miles away.

    After she returns to her room, she collapses on her bed and tries to sleep. She spends a few minutes reading the group chat and texting Roma but her eyes grow heavy in the dark. Apparently, Roma and Elle have been having tension too, with distance and what not. Camila feels it'd be smart to not get too involved. That's the number one rule in friendship groups.

    Just before she dozes off, her phone lights up her corner of the room but she's too tired to go check the notification.