South Park One-Shots

Never Been Kissed - Eric Cartman

Date written: January 2nd, 2018 

For: LariisSuzuya

I hope you enjoy it, and aren't too upset about the long wait! 😅

---------------------

"Wait, so, you're saying you've never kissed your boyfriend?" Wendy gasped, grabbing onto Bebe's shoulders as they both stared- rather intently- at me. It was a quick slip of the tongue; I hadn't kissed his full lips since they asked me out, but I didn't realize that it mattered so much to students at South Park High School.

Awkwardly, I scratched the back of my head. "Right. He and I have never kissed."

Red flailed for a moment, a little flabbergasted at the mere idea, before taking a glance at the boy's table- where my boyfriend was sitting- and giving the girls a smirk. She was the one to come up with all of the good- and pretty terrible- plans, and I wasn't exactly sure which this would be.

"So... I have an idea on how to fix that..."

-------------------------

Memo to me: Never fucking listen to Red. Or any of the girls, for that matter.

I was currently locked in the janitor's closet, right outside Mr. Garrison's algebra classroom, with my backpack and phone confiscated by the girls so that I couldn't alert my boyfriend to what their devious plan was. Was I scared? Absolutely.

But, for some odd reason, I was also a little excited.

Maybe it was the buzzing excitement of finally being able to proclaim to the world that I had kissed my boyfriend, or maybe it was the idea of possibly getting caught kissing in a janitor's closet when I was supposed to be on the other side of the school, in history class. Whatever it was, it had me reeling and I had to grab onto the wooden shelf that held a mop bucket to steady myself.

 As my hands wrapped around the sink edge, I could hear bickering outside of the bathroom door.

"Goddammit, I'm not going in no fucking bathroom!" Eric snapped to his captor, who laughed smugly before smacking him (an assumption I made by hearing the sound of skin hit skin and his high pitched squeal).

Red's voice was stern as she spoke. "Cartman, you're going in this bathroom if I have to fucking drag your fat ass in it. Get. In. The. Goddamn. Bathroom."

"Hey!" Eric and I yelled at the same time. The girls knew how I felt about them mentioning Cartman's weight, and Eric was always trying to reassure the world that he was 'big boned', not 'fat'.

Once he had heard my voice, however, Cartman stopping bitching Red out and turned to face the door. "Y/n!? Are you locked in there?" He sounded concerned for my safety and immediately, my heart was warmed over.

"Uh... yeah, I...I am. The girls planned this."

I had a blush on my cheeks as I spoke, but it only got worse when the door suddenly opened and Cartman was roughly shoved in.

The bathroom was small, so we were almost pressed against one another as his dark brown eyes looked me over. "Are you alright? Did those snobby bitches hurt you to get you in here?"

"HEY!" Bebe's shrill voice snapped from the other side of the door, but Cartman stuck his tongue out towards the door with little regard to the blonde.

"Shut it, boobies, I don't give a shit."

I gently slapped Cartman's arm and shook my head when he looked at me. "Eric, you need to be nicer to the girls. They're my friends."

Eric shook his head in disbelief but agreed before looking at me once more. "So, you seem to know why we're in here. Do you know when we'll get out?" I went to give him a lie for a response, but Wendy beat me to it:

"You two love birds aren't coming out of there until Y/n gets what's hers for the taking!"

I stared at the door, flabbergasted. What a way to explain this to the boy who overreacts about everything. I could already sense the gears going in hyper-drive as Cartman's mouth opened, only to shut, only to open once more.

"Y/n, what's going on?" Cartman asked in an even tone; a sure sign he was not evenly thinking.

"I-"

Annie interrupted me, "You know what to do, Y/n!"

"Y/n-" Cartman tried again, but then the girls interrupted him as well.

"Do it, Y/n!"

"Y/n-"

"Hurry up, Y/n!"

"Come on, Y/n!"

"Y/n, what is goin-"

This time, I interrupted Cartman, pulling his chubby face towards mine and pressing our lips together with as much love and intensity as I could imagine.

Honestly, when I had started the kiss, I had just wanted to get it over with and move on with my life, but the longer we had our lips pressed together, the better it felt. I melted into Eric as he wrapped his arms around me, his fingers tangling themselves in my hair as he kissed me back.

We separated for a moment, both panting and staring at one another.

"That was..."

"Long overdue." Cartman said with finality before pulling me in again, kissing me softly but holding me tightly.

The girls opened the door- curious as to the lack of noise-, only to giggle and close it before putting an 'out of order' sign on the door handle.