Heartbreaker In Disguise

Chapter 28

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Chapter 28

"IT'S TOO COLD TO be sitting out here this late, don't you think?"

I turned around and got a glimpse of the smirking raven haired boy who was looking back at me. It was already ten at night and a cold winter evening. It had snowed earlier that night, so white flakes adorned the entire lawn of the hospital as if it wasn't white and cold enough on the inside.

I sat on a bench on my own, nobody else would dare to sit outside on such a cold night, however, the thick sweater and scarf I had on protected me from dying of hypothermia. Even though dying didn't seem so bad at that time... but that was another topic.

"I'm sorry about your dad." Connor said as he sat down next to me.

"Who isn't?" I grumbled.

Everyone in my school had heard of my father's death. My cellphone wouldn't stop vibrating from messages from hypocrite people saying fake things like: 'stay strong' or 'I'm so sorry about your dad' or even 'you know you can count on me for anything at all, just let me know'.

However, not a word from Laura.

It honestly hurt. A lot. I thought we would abandon such a petty feud because of something like this, when I'm supposed to need her support more than anything. I hadn't seen it coming, but apparently a stupid fight over a boy was more important than our friendship if there ever was one. It was stupid, so stupid. I couldn't believe she could be so petty as to not even say a word to me.

Connor snickered and reached for something in his pocket. I looked sideways at him as he lit his cigarette and put his lighter and pack back into his pocket.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, leaning forward on the bench and resting my head on my hands, playing with the loose strings from my old gloves.

"Well, you need a friend right now, don't you?" He said with a smile.

I raised my eyebrows at him, unable to lift only one. He chuckled and breathed out the cigarette smoke through his mouth as he did so.

"My sister's an intern here. She wants to be a doctor." He admitted, "I come here after school the days she has to stay late to drive her home 'cause she's too tired to drive herself."

I raised my eyebrows again, this time in astonishment. It was the first time I got a glimpse of the real Connor, not just the dick and heartthrob he displayed at school and every other time I saw him.

"You know," I wondered out loud, "this is the first time you tell me something not fuckboy-like or self absorbed."

"Geez, thanks."

"Oh, come on, it's true." I insisted with a ghost of a smile.

"Well, I'm certainly not that bad, am I?" He said with his well known smirk.

"I guess you're not." I muttered.

My small smile soon disappeared once more, the sheer lift of my mood suddenly plummeting. We stayed silent for a second after that. He suddenly threw his cigarette to the floor and stepped on it, killing the heat.

"Come here." He said, extending his arms.

I frowned at him and at his open arms. He made a gesture with his fingers for me to join him in the hug. The frown remained framing my face as I rested my head on his shoulder and wrapped my arms around him, it felt oddly right and comforting.

"It hasn't really hit you yet, has it?"

"What do you mean?" I asked shallowly.

"You know..." he struggled for the right words, "You feel sad and everything but it hasn't really hit you... it doesn't feel real."

"Yeah, I don't think it has," I admitted, "I mean, I don't think I have really taken it in, I sometimes even forget for a second or two."

"That's normal. It'll take you some time to do so." He exhaled deeply and I felt his chest deflate as he did so, "It gets worse, but you'll make it through."

I stayed silent, wrapped around him as if it wasn't weird at all. The simple thought of it 'getting worse' caused a shiver to run down my spine and fear to cloud my mind. It got even worse?

I couldn't help but picture what it would be like. The desperation, the agony, the sinking... it didn't seem like I could bare it, it didn't seem like I could 'make it through'. Fear came like a crippling illness to me and my eyes started to burn, a feeling that had now become normal.

I blinked a couple of times to try to get rid of the tears and was thankful that he couldn't see my face. However, the thought of being bothering him struck my mind as I pulled away from him.

My mother was inside the hospital, taking care of some things such as picking up some of my dad's belongings that were left in his hospital room and a couple of documents and such. She asked Sam and me to come with her, but I told her I couldn't bare going inside so I'd wait for her outside instead. It brought too many memories and she understood, of course.

"You really don't have to do this." I suddenly said, feeling shameful for bothering him.

Ever since everything went down, I started feeling like nothing like a burden. Specially for my friends. I was no longer fun to be with, all I did was weep and look sullen. All I did was take hours of their day, days of their weeks so that they could try to make me feel a little teeny bit better, but would fail inevitably. I felt like nothing but a heavy baggage they had to lift as I could not lift myself any longer.

He smiled, nevertheless, it was not a happy smile, per say, but more of a sad one.

"You see," he started with a soft voice that was so strange to me. He placed his hand on top of mine and interlaced it, staring at our joint hands as he proceeded, "Six years ago, there was this very awesome and handsome ten year old kid who lived with his mother and his fourteen year old sister."

I snickered, obviously recognizing the story was about him as soon as he mentioned how 'awesome' and 'handsome' the ten year old kid was.

"Unfortunately though," he continued, taking a more serious tone as he spoke, "it turned out his mother had breast cancer - yes, boo, this is another sad and cliché story about cancer." He joked, amazing me as well by doing so, "Anyway, after going through chemo and her children painfully watching how their mother grew sicker and sicker, she died on August 11, at six in the morning and left her children motherless. Then they were forced to move to another state, to where their careless father was living."

I could feel my eyes starting to burn once more and my nose as well. I felt awful knowing I had assumed Connor was a dick on its whole and treated him like one, when, in reality, there was a lot more to him all along. And, it actually turned out he was the one who got me the most in that moment.

"God, Connor, I had no idea. I'm so sorry." I muttered.

"No, Caroline, that's not the point. I didn't tell you this so you would pity me."

I nodded, moving my gaze away and onto the snow.

"The reason I'm telling you this is because I have gone through what you're going through and I have gone through what you will go through."

He stared at me expectantly, but all I could do was nod. I had no idea what awaited me and I had no idea of what I was supposed to say. The simple thought of not having my father anymore was terrifying.

"Look. It's gonna be hard, really hard." He turned a little towards me, "but you're gonna make it because you're stronger than this, okay? And I'm gonna help you in any way that I can, I want you to know that. I want you to know that I really mean it."

And in that moment, the tears that were threatening me and urging to escape were finally loose. My nose burned as my vision became blurry from the tears. The knot in my throat grew tighter and Connor's arms wrapped around me and pulled me back towards him.

"I don't think I can do this." I whined.

"I used to believe the same."