Survive: Collected Poems

Tonight

Tonight I walk into my room.
I stop in the doorway and stare.
Tonight, three years ago,
I was raped on this bed.
I try and tell myself it's not even the same bed.
I have a different mattress now.
But the ghosts are attached to this room
And to my heart.
I can see it still:
The shadow of your body,
Pinning me down flat
As your fingers and your mouth
Explore places to which
I never gave you a map.
When you tell someone
Not to open the door to your room
Not to look at your phone,
And they do it anyway,
What can you do but give up
And let it happen?
Tonight, three years ago,
These were the thoughts
That rolled through my head.
Plus, I was always a good storyteller.
That's what I told myself.
Tell yourself you said yes.
Close your eyes and ears.
I said yes.
I must have said yes.
I tell myself that for the next three years
Until I start to believe it.
Tonight I turn around.
Walk into the bathroom.
Strip in front of the mirror,
Every place you touched me
Standing out to me like a fresh burn.
I wish I could carve out all that flesh.
But I can't.
I stopped doing that,
Last night, two and a half years ago.
Instead, I step into the shower.
It's almost funny when I think of it.
I didn't take showers when I knew you.
I hated water falling on me like that.
Now I pretend the water is acid,
Burning off the tattoos you left on me.
I still haven't managed to burn into my soul.
I turn the water as hot as it will go.
And I scrub.
I scrub and I
Scrub
And I
s
c
r
u
b.
I stare down at my wrists.
The 5th degree burns from your fingerprints
Are still there.
Tonight, I slide down the wall.
Because when you close your soul,
And someone comes and rips open your door,
What can you do but give up
And let it happen?
I can't afford to tell myself stories.
I said no. I know I said no.
Why do I blame myself?
Tonight, three years ago,
I let you win.
Tonight, I rip up the game board.
I am not new terrain to explore at your whimsy.
I am not a toy for your entertainment.
I
Am
A
Fucking
Person.
Tonight, three years ago,
I closed my eyes,
Closed my ears,
And bit my lip.
I stayed silent.
Tonight, I scream.
I scream for every time you silenced me.
I scream for every time I let you.
I scream because I am more than
An object
A body.
I am a soul on fire. I am a fucking supernova.
Don't you ever get close to me again.