Survive: Collected Poems

ID Numbers and Little Filled In Boxes

Tomorrow I renew my driver's permit.
Just like my last one,
It will have a picture of my lopsided face
Taken in irredeemable florescent lighting.
My name, last first middle, will be smooshed above
My address that is not my address
Because my mind is never where my body lays its head,
The day I unwillingly entered this world,
Stubbornly holding my breath and trying in futility
To crawl my way back out of life,
Several strings of random numbers,
And the fact that if, sorry I mean, when I die accidentally
I want my organs to be recycled.
To the right of the ogreish interpretation of my face
I will be reduced to sex, height, weight, eyes, and hair.
I will give them a lower weight
So this card will not show how disgusting I am.
When it is printed on plastic imprinted with several holograms of my state's flag,
This is how the government will see me.
These numbers and figures will be who I am.
Little words in little boxes on a little card, all of it superficial, all of it lies
Because this is not who I am
Because this makes me sound neat and orderly.

There will be no box to tell you that I will lie about my weight because I have been shamed for my body since the age of nine and the number on the scale has only grown since then.
There will be no box to tell you that you will see the concealer caked on my face in the picture because I pick open my acne just to watch it bleed.
There will be no box to tell you that my smile is crooked because one canine is longer than the other and it pierces my lower lip when I smile evenly.
There will be no box to tell you that every time I look at my legs in the summer, this summer we are in right now, I want to slice them open and scoop out the fat that I don't want there.
There will be no box to tell you that my eyes will look so tired in this year's picture because in the time since this camera saw me last, I have been overlooked and used and hurt and betrayed by even more people.
There will be no box to tell you that I only do this because I don't go to public school and this is the only legal ID I can get right now, that I am actually terrified of driving, but the test is just filling in more little boxes, right? Because knowing the answers only gets you so far in life, and I don't even know all the answers anymore.
There will be no box to tell you that I violently despise every inch of who I am, and that being reduced to sex height (false) weight eyes hair please use my organs only makes it worse.
There will be no box to check to tell you that I am more than this, there is so much behind this smile, every little checkbox I fill in weighs my soul down more and more.