I Unproudly Present ~ Harry Styles AU

Chapter 36

I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time when I was asleep than I am now, sitting here in this cold library as I try to force myself to concentrate on my work.

I couldn't stand to be at my apartment any longer. Carly and her boyfriend have been driving me insane with their PDA and though I know it's selfish, seeing them happy together reminds me of how pathetically lonely I feel. Along with that, my dad called me this morning telling me he was coming to California for a business trip. It's not that I don't want to see him, I just really don't want to discuss my breakdown last month that landed me in the hospital for three days. He thinks he'll be able to talk me into going back to Missouri... funny. We're supposed to have brunch tomorrow morning and I'm going to have to psych myself up to argue with him.

The muscles in my hand begin cramping as I finish up my notecards for my test next week. I mindlessly copy down definitions while my mind is stuck cycling through the "what if's". What if I hadn't been born into a completely fucked up family. What if I hadn't grown up knowing I'm the reason my mother is gone. What if I wasn't born. She'd be here; she'd be here happy with my father and I wouldn't have to live with this agonizing pain I can't shake. But instead here I am wishing I wasn't, juggling disturbing thoughts in my mind, trying to convince myself they aren't there. But they are, and no matter how badly I want to push them away, they always seem to creep their way up to the front of my skull where I can't ignore them. A small groan escapes past my lips as I set my pencil down and hold my head in my hands. I've been spending too much time alone lately, and it gives me too much time to think to myself. I lift my head from my hands when I sense the presence of someone behind me.

"Hey, Jessie." Just as I glance up I find Felix's tall frame beside me, his kind eyes twinkling as he smiles down at me. My lips curve up into a smile, and it's surprisingly not forced.

"Hey, what's up?" I greet him as he takes a seat next to me, setting his notebooks on the table.

"Just a little Friday night studying. Jesus I've been here for almost three hours and I didn't even see you." He chuckles.

"Me too, I'm just finishing up, actually." I tell him, binding my notecards with a rubber band before slipping them into my bag on the floor. I don't have the energy to do anymore work tonight.

"Oh, damn..." as I finish packing away my books, I glance over to Felix. His head hangs slightly as he stares at his twiddling fingers. This man literally wears his emotions right on his sleeve, and it isn't difficult to see his disappointment.

"Do you maybe want to go get some food? I don't know if you still have work to do, but I was gonna get a bite to eat if you want to come." I suggest. Felix's eyes light up and he nods.

"Yeah, definitely. I've done enough for tonight." I can't help but be amused by his eagerness to spend time with me, it's somewhat comforting knowing someone appreciates my presence.

I smile at him and stand from my seat before heading towards the large wooden doors, Felix following suit. He does a slight jog to catch up and hold the door open for me.

"Thanks." I laugh and he smiles back at me.

"There's a bar right up the road, we could probably walk there if you're cool with that."

"I'm good with anything. I just need food." I shrug my shoulders and we continue to walk down the sidewalk in the direction of the bar. It's nearly 9:30 PM and the lights lining the streets are the only thing keeping me from tripping over my feet. I didn't even realize how late it was getting until now, and my stomach is literally imploding I'm so hungry.

"They have some of the best sweet potato fries I've ever eaten. I'm for sure ordering a basket, you need to try them."

"That sounds so good right now."