Say You Won't Let Go

Truthful Lies

I sigh, twirling my pencil around on my paper, drawing circles around my math worksheet. Occasionally, I draw cute little faces in them. But, today, all the faces are sad.

I haven't answered any of the actual questions. I've only written half of my name at the top of my paper. I'm just not in the mood for anything.

Everything with Lauren lately, especially in science class, has been dragging down my soul. I can't think straight nor focus on anything except her.

Mr. Gill is pacing around, wagging his ruler around. He is lecturing us about who-cares-what, but I can't hear him. My thoughts are drowning him out, suffocating me.

"Mila, you okay?" Normani's voice penetrates into my skull, snapping my attention back to the world.

"Me?" I ask, shaking my head to get it all straight. Normani nods slowly, as if I'm a child. "Oh, yeah. I'm fine, don't worry."

"You don't seem fine." Normani narrows her eyes slightly, pursing her lips. I suddenly feel very warm.

"I'm perfectly fine, Mani." I laugh, hoping the sound of joy will get her off my back. I turn back to my paper, continuing to make circles.

"You aren't working on your math." Normani points out, glancing down at my sheet as if gesturing to the problem. That's far from the problem.

"So?" I shrug, biting my bottom lip, stifling a sorrowful sigh.

"You always do your math work. You're, like, the only one who does." Normani laughs softly, gesturing down to her blank paper. "So, it's weird when you aren't doing anything. Anything on your mind?"

"Nope." I lie, my voice coming out shaky. Freakin' hell. "I'm just tired."

"Tired or tired?" Normani lifts an eyebrow.

Her words hit my heart hard, almost causing me to spew out all my feelings and thoughts from the last few days. Am I tired of everything going on or tired of hiding it?

Am I tired of Lauren hiding things from me? Tired of constantly keeping my emotions in check as if they will hurt someone? Tired of being ignored by the girl I like? Tired of being nothing to her but a stranger?

Or am I just tired?

The truth burns in my heart, creating yet another scar.

"Camila?" Normani nudges me when I don't answer. My body trembles slightly from being startled by my friend, but I force a smile on my face.

"Just tired." I lie again, feeling my heart sag.

It hurts like knife jabbing into my chest. It hurts like being shot in the shoulder. Like breaking a bone. Like sticking needles slowly into the flesh of your face. Like having your body cut in half.

But, nothing hurts more than not being able to love someone right. Or, at all, for this matter.

Normani studies my face, her eyes running over every invisible tear, cut, and bruise. Yet, she can't see them. No one can.

I think it's the same for Lauren. She is hiding something. I know, for sure, that much. I just don't know what.

"Maybe go to bed a little earlier tonight." Normani suggests, making me exhale a quiet breath of relief. She doesn't suspect anything anymore.

"Maybe I will." I agree, nodding maybe too vigorously. Normani's gaze lingers longer than it's supposed to.

I look back down at my paper and all the sad faces make me want to cry. What is happening to me? Lauren has weaved her way into my soul, her thorns piercing into me. Except, I don't feel the pain. I'm too numb for that.