Say You Won't Let Go

The Question

I can't fully explain the depth of disappointment I felt when I got to english class this morning and Lauren wasn't there. Lucy tried talking to me but I didn't even give her a glance.

It was like the disappointment was eating at the sides of my hope, making it crumble to the bottom of my stomach.

I didn't talk at lunch. Dinah watched me the whole time with concerned eyes and tired features. Normani walked me out to Dinah and we walked home together like normal.

We chatted briefly about this and that but I wasn't in the right state of mind to really carry a conversation. She seems worried for me now.

How can I put her through this? She's already so worried for Lauren and now me. God, I'm so selfish. I just want to curl up under a blanket and sleep for a septillion years.

Now, I'm just laying on the couch, staring up at the ceiling blankly while listening to my headphones. Somebody Else streams through my ears as I connect the lyrics with the events from the last few days.

I don't see the white paint on the ceiling, I see images dancing through my brain of Lauren. Happy, sad, angry... How she looked yesterday when she told me to leave.

Why did I leave?

My eyebrows furrow ever so slightly as I clench my fists together, feeling angry at myself for leaving. I should've stayed. It may have been burning me out, but her fire could light me back up.

Lyrics toss themselves around in my head as my body relaxes itself, another wave of despair washing over me.

Lauren hasn't texted me since yesterday and I haven't texted her, either. This is a new low.

The song changes on my phone and now Out Loud beings to drum in my head. These lyrics really hit me and I fear I may begin to cry.

Suddenly, I feel someone take one of my earphones out.

"Mila?" Alejandro's voice asks softly as he sits down beside me. My original anger toward the person who took out my earphone dies away when I see the concern in the eyes of my father.

"Yes?" I say, trying not to sound bitter.

"I noticed yesterday that when you came home, you seemed very upset. I didn't want to say anything then because I was afraid I might upset you. But, now, I can see it hasn't gotten any better." Alejandro sets his hand on my knee assuringly. "Do you want to talk?"

"No." I mutter, sitting up anyway. I fold my arms across my chest; a sign of protection.

Alejandro seems a bit put off by this reply, like he was expecting me to be open and all. I know what disappointment feels like, so I almost feel guilty but the bubbling emotion brewing in my stomach stops me from feeling it.

"Come on, Camila. I can see that you aren't okay. You haven't been talking at dinner lately and after, you run upstairs and lock yourself in your room." Alejandro furrows his eyebrows with worry.

"It's nothing." I scoff, rolling my eyes. In my heart, I know it's truly everything and that's it's eating me alive.

"If it was nothing, it wouldn't be affecting you like this." Alejandro retorts softly, taking out my other earphone. I start to feel angry with him. Can't he just leave me alone?

"Can't you see I'm perfectly fine and leave me be?" I growl, pausing my music so I don't miss any of it while arguing.

"Don't lie to me, mija." Alejandro lifts his eyebrows, studying my behavior. God, I hate it.

"Get off my back, Dad." I glare at him, scooting away from him. The spot where his hand was on my knee feels cold now.

He sighs to himself, moving so he is back next to me. I groan inwardly, crossing my arms even harder against my chest.