A Series Of Letters {Adopted by Palaye Royale}

Chapter Twenty

I'm sobbing into Remington's chest. He's holding me close, a gesture that would normally calm me down, but now does nothing. I can't stop screaming. They shut the doors to my room long ago, but I could care less if people in the halls can hear me. My chest hurts. I can barely breathe, and that's why the nurse works me into a nasal cannula. "Sh, sh. Breathe; remember what I taught you, baby. In for seven, hold, and just let it out." I scream as I nearly choke on my own tears. 

"Why? Why did this happen to me?"

"Get Sebastian," Remmi says simply to the nurse. He continues to hold me close, but says nothing more. Keeping my head against Remington, I trail my free hand down to my stomach, where, somewhere deep inside, there is the product of something I wish never happened. It's there, relying on me and my bodily intake to keep it going. And there's nothing I can do about it. The only thing I can do is...care for it and love and－

I stop myself. This is too much. I can't do this alone. At this moment, Sebastian walks in. Remington shifts, so my legs are over the edge of the bed and his arm is around my shoulders. I sniffle. Sebastian crouches down, his hands landing just above my knees on top of my black leggings. "We're gonna have a little talk, okay?" I nod, sniffling and resting my head on Remington's shoulder. "First, just let me say that myself, Remington, Emerson, and Steph will love and support you no matter what decisions you make. This is your body, your baby, your choices. We will be here for you regardless of what you decide to do."

"Sebastian?" My voice breaks a little bit as hot tears press at my eyelids.

"Yeah? What's up, love?" His left hand comes up to cup my cheek.

"I....I don't want you to be mad. But....I gotta keep it. I gotta keep the baby. I'm s-sorry,"

"It's okay; it's alright, Lottie." Sebastian says. "We fully support any and all decisions you make and will help you raise this child." I slide forward into his arms. "We're gonna give this kid everything they deserve. They're gonna have the life you didn't. They're gonna know from day one that they're loved, Lottie. I know things aren't ideal, darling, but it's all gonna be okay. We're gonna make it through this; cause we all love you and your little baby. We're gonna help you out. We're family, Lottie."

To be honest, I'm terrified. I don't say that aloud, though. I'm terrified of me not being good enough for this kid. Because when they are born, they are going to rely completely on me. I'm going to be responsible for something other than myself for the first time in my whole life. I know the boys will help out as much as they can, but essentially, this is my little baby. Like Sebastian said, the situation is nowhere close to ideal; but that doesn't mean they don't deserve the best life I can provide. I'm worried this is going to me a major financial strain, but I'll do whatever I can to see my baby have the life I didn't. Instead of growing up in a house full of abuse, hateful words, violence, and people who didn't love me or didn't care－they are gonna grow up surrounded by an abundance of love and people who care. I'll never hurt them, and I'll protect them as long as I can and as best as I can. 

I try to stand, to which Sebastian immediately stops me.  "Woah, hang on there." He says, holding my upper arms tightly. "You can't do that just yet, baby doll. Have a seat; it's okay." I huff. I hate feeling like shit, even though we have answers now. This isn't gonna be easy, I know. But I also know when everything is said and done, it'll be more than worth it.

"When can I go home?" I ask.

"Stephanie's signing your discharge papers now."

$$$$$$$$

"This reminds me of when we were young....except the circumstances are happier this time." Caden speaks into the barely lit area. The space is only illuminated by the light coming from my phone, which is only being used for Spotify. The boys bought me a Samsung a few months ago. I fought them and fought them. Finally we left the store, but a few days later Sebastian walked in with a cell phone for me. 

Years and years ago, when I still lived with mum, Caden and I would build forts and sit, huddled together in terrified masses, shaking as she screamed and broke whatever she could find. Caden, with a broken voice and while shaking, would hold my tiny body close and try to calm me down as we both cried.

Now, we're back in a fort. It's small, as they always were. This one is set up in my closet, a purple blanket thumbtacked above our heads. It's dimly lit, as opposed to the standard pastime of pitch black. My head is on his legs, my knees pulled up as far as they'll comfortably go with my cramping stomach. He's on his phone, his other hand fiddling with strands of my stingy blonde hair. My phone vibrates, and I giggle at the feeling it makes between my fingers.

Remington: NO FORT FUCKS

I feel my face heat up and I let out a little squeal.

Me: NO WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU OMG

Remington: JUST REMINDING 

Me: S H U T U P 

Today is August 9th. My baby is due April 19th. Every day before breakfast and after dinner I have to take an anti-nausea medication called Zofran. It's a little white tablet that dissolves on your tongue and you have to chase down with water because of the awful aftertaste. But...it works. It takes away my nausea for the day, and for the most part allows me to function like a normal human being. 

"Do you ever wonder?" Caden asks, pursing his lips as he looks to the ceiling. News flash, boy: it's just white paint. "What's everyone else doing?" I shut my phone off and put it at my side, darkening the contained area even more. 

"What do you mean? The boys are right downstairs...."

"No, no. Like...your mom. David. Your grandma. Everyone back in class. I mean, it's been two months since I've seen the Seaport Kids." 

"Is that a bad thing?" Caden stifles a laugh.

"Probably not. Bucha assholes over there."

"Don't－"

"I'm not gonna tell them. Don't worry; I'm not that evil." I let out a sigh of relief. Word travels fast back at Seaport. If they found out, my life would be over. Their voices spread like wildfire, even across the country or farther. They will ruin your reputation. 

I hear my bedroom door open, but neither Caden nor I make any effort to move. "Dinner's in the oven, kids." Sebastian's voice speaks. "Do you need anything?"

"Chocolate milk," I say.

"I got it." He exits the room again. 

Today is one of the days I am especially grateful for the boys. Had this shit happened when I was with Mom, she'd have me in an abortion clinic then on the streets the next day. I know having this baby isn't gonna be easy. It's gonna be hard on all four of us. But, Emerson's talk with me earlier in the day really helped. "We're gonna do whatever it takes to give this child the life they deserve. They're gonna know from the minute they're born what love is."

I'm making a pledge now, I think as I place my hand over my stomach. No matter what happens, I'm never giving up on this baby; and I'm never gonna make them feel ostracized. I will love them for them. I will never let them feel like a mistake.

In my eyes, this baby is perfect. Always has been, always will be.

***A/N: Would anybody be interested in a Spotify playlist of songs I listen to while writing this book?***