A Series Of Letters {Adopted by Palaye Royale}

Chapter Twenty-One

We're taking a family road trip to San Francisco today. I'm very excited. Emerson's standing outside my door waiting while I change. I'm dressed in a white shirt with black overalls and black sneakers. My hair, which usually reaches mid-shoulder, is pulled back into a ponytail and shoved through a black ballcap with a single rose on it. It's just after nine a.m. Caden left last night, which means I'm running on about six hours of sleep. The drive to San Fran is six hours, so I'll sleep the majority of the ride. I pull a small backpack onto my shoulders. We're spending one night curled up in the back of van, just like we used to. 

I walk out into the hallway, nodding at Emerson. "You look great. Ready to go?" I nod, smiling. I've been begging for a chance to get away ever since the attack; and now it's finally happening. I've never been to San Fran, but I'm excited for it.

The car is loaded when we get down to it. All is just like it was a few months ago, which brings a sense of calm to me. Back in May and June, even though they were fighting for custody, we had the best times. Cuddled up in the back of that van, I learned the most about myself. In fact, these past three months I've discovered myself more than all my other fifteen and a half years before I was with them. Remington wraps his arm around me as I sit down next to him. It's his reflex. All of theirs. As soon as I get close, they grab for me. Almost as if I'll slip away. I rest my head on Remington's shoulder, and shut my eyes. My fingers find the play button on my MP3 player blindly, and I hit. Instantly, the trigger causes music to flood my ears via the stringy cord linking the sound to the two nubbins stuffed in my ears. 

It's Small Bump by Ed Sheeran. A song about pregnancy...which I'm going through right now. A song about miscarriage...which I hope to God I won't have to experience now or at any point in the future. I'm only a month along; four weeks as of yesterday. My cravings started about a week ago. Luckily it's nothing crazy...Caden's mom craved ice cream with barbecue sauce. Mine are pretty normal in that aspect; they just never happen to be in the house when I'm craving them. 

I have my hand in a bag of Cheddar Sun Chips right now. That's been a common one. Anything crunchy, anything that's a chip. Nacho Doritos, Sun Chips, and Crunchy Cheetos in particular. The other night I made Sebastian go get me a bag of Kettle Chips at 2:30. I actually refused to go to bed. It wasn't intentional at all; my body just was repulsed at the thought of eating anything other than those damn kettle chips. I finished the bag and cuddled into my warm, comfy bed for the night.

Remington's arms bring a sense of security. As I lean further into him, my head resting on his chest, I focus in on the way his chest moves. The breaths he takes are slow and even, and I use them to get my own lungs back on track. He smiles down at me, earbuds in his own ears. I nod up at him to reassure I'm okay, then his gaze turns back outside the window and my eyes flutter shut. 

&&&&&&

I must have fallen asleep. When I wake up, it's nearly four in the afternoon, which means we're about three hours into the trip. I carefully move off Remington's shoulder where I collapsed, since he is still asleep, head bobbled against the window. I turn around and grab a black hoodie from Emerson, who's with the bags and extra clothes. I pull it on. I've been freezing lately, and considering how shit my immune system is, I'm probably getting sick. California hasn't been the warmest lately, and my body isn't fully accustomed to it. Plus, this baby probably is taking a further toll on my immune system. I'm not mad about it though. I've learned that I can't be mad anymore. I can be upset, but I can't be mad. This baby did nothing to deserve this. 

Remington, as always, pulled my earbuds out as soon as I fell asleep. He gets worried that it'll tangle around my neck and choke me in my sleep. To be fair, I do toss and turn alot, but I don't think it'd kill me. I grab the earbuds and MP3 player from the bag at our feet. I tuck the buds back in and lean against Remington once more. He's still passed out, peacefully sleeping with his mouth agape against the window. 

The words of One More Light by Linkin Park flood my ears. I shut my eyes once more, but I have no intention of sleeping. And then, it hits me. The wave. I feel whatever was in my stomach pushing at the back of my throat, and I dive for the bucket at my feet. Everything comes up immediately. I can't stop it. Whatever was in my stomach is slowly being transferred into the bucket between my thighs. The van swerves to the side of the road, and Emerson unbuckles in a haste. Remington is startled awake, putting his hand on my shoulder as the violent lurching continues on.

"Relax, relax." Emerson says as he lands next to me, hand on my thigh.  "Breathe through it. It's gonna pass." I can feel Sebastian staring at me through the mirror. He's ready to jump up if he needs to, I know that much. His seatbelt was undone before the car was even fully in park. Sebastian is so protective over me he tends to go into panic mode anytime even the slightest thing is wrong.

I tune back in to Emerson rubbing circles in my back. My body dry heaves once more, and then the wave is done, slowly rolling back in to sea. "All done?" He asks, kissing just below my ear. I nod, shutting my eyes and collapsing into Remington. He grabs a washcloth to wipe my lips off and pours a quarter of a sugar packet down my throat to get the taste from my mouth. 

Remington allows me to rest against his side, protective arm around my shoulders. "Are you okay?" Sebastian calls back from the front seat. I nod slightly, half asleep. Emerson slowly retreats, still on edge. I take a deep breath, and go under.