Changed me

Blood On Your Costume

My leg is exhausted from bouncing up and down; but sitting still was definitely not an option right now. Lex is sitting next to me in the ugly maroon chair her hand stroking Aria's hair . The small child was lying still in Lex's arms. It was strange to see Lex be so comforting even though I've always known she had it in her. Jacob sat across from me. He has had a confused look etched on his face since Lex and I walked back into this waiting room. I could imagine what could be running through his mind. He sees his twin brother, who he hasn't seen since he was 7, and is sitting in a hospital room. That's not exactly the family reunion anyone wants.

We have been sitting in this waiting room for about five hours and no one has come out to say anything to us. I have counted the random green squares on this hideous tile floor more times than I would like to admit. I know the sequence in which the announcements come on the loud speaker. I have even memorized the doctors who were frequent visitors to the nurse's station. Damn it I have even counted the amount of time "Dr. heart throb" winked at the nurse with braids. Suffice to say I have been here way to long and my mind has exhausted every avenue in order not to think about the very thing looming over each of our heads right now.

Nile has single handedly become an integral person in my life and I am currently forcing my mind not to think about him. I feel as if we are too young for him to be this important to me, but I guess life and love have no age limit. "Paging Dr. Kimbel to the nurses station. Paging Dr. Kimbel." That's the fourteenth time they've paged this damn doctor.

Uncle Mike has been standing in the corner and only moving when his legs got tired. I could not read the expression on his face. It was a mixture of anger and hopelessness. But I mean there is not exactly a book on how to feel in such a situation as the one we were in. I don't know how much Jacob knows or even how much Uncle Mike knows. I don't even know how dad got them both here. Everything leading up to being in the chapel with Lex is a blur. Dad came to the address I spilled out to him over the phone, trying my hardest not to break down. I held Nile's hand in mine tightly as I waited for my dad to show up. I longed for his hand to squeeze mine back, which it never did. Next thing you know I was sitting in this stupid waiting room.

" Hey you have blood on your costume." Lex said calmly as if it was the simplest thing on this earth. I looked down at the white frilly material of my winter showcase costume that had a spot of blood on it. How did that even get there?

"I don't even know how that got there. Marissa's going to flip out." The exhaustion in my voice was so thick that I could even hear it.

"The wicked witch of Irissmith high will be perfectly fine." Lex replied quickly.

"I thought that was Sasha."

"Same title. Different hoe." And for the first time in what has felt like forever I laughed. It was a sound that not only shocked me, but shocked my dad and everyone else in the waiting room as well. I quickly sobered up and whipped the stray tear from my eyes.

" You're going to be fine. Nile is going to be fine and you crazy loved up kids will be happy together." Lex said more to herself than to me.

"How do you know that?"

"Because you are a good person and I have to believe that good things happen to good people." This time she spoke directly to me and my gratitude for my best friend multiplied immensely.

"Thank you!" I reached around and hugged her tight enough to annoy her.

"Stop it now. We are thugs. Stiffen that upper lip up, little lady."

"Lex we are really going to have to talk about your Eminem obsession one day." I replied.

" Hey Lex sweetheart" My dad interrupted our conversation. " Jacob's is going to take you by the house. Can you grab some clothes and some snacks? Manny do you want to go with them?" He asked looking down at me.

I think he has been more than worried about me. I think he's scared. Honestly, dads are supposed to be warning their daughters about their boyfriends not sitting in waiting rooms to see if he's going to be okay. It was not supposed to be this way. Nile and I should be doing God awful couple things rather than not knowing whether or not we will ever be able to make more memories together.

"No, I want to stay." I said staring back at the archway.

"Okay. I'll be right back Panda." Kissing my forehead he walked out the archway that was now the object of my focus.

Time was standing annoyingly still and I think I may have forgotten how to properly breathe. Anxiety was definitely getting the best of me, but then again how could it not? I have officially lost track of time and there was no longer anything for me to even try to keep myself occupied with. Part of me want to scream and part of me simply just wanted to cry. However, right now I just felt numb and over this whole situation.

"Panda you have to come sit down pacing is not going to-" pushing my hand out I stopped him from saying anything. I stopped him from confirming the knowledge that there is nothing I can do to make this better. Helpless was not a feeling that I liked. I liked control and this lack of control was starting to piss me off.

"Why hasn't anyone come out to tell us anything? How long does it take to figure out if someone is going to be okay?" I pulled at my hair ripping a couple of strands out in the process. I hated the white walls and fluorescent lights that adorned this place. The squeaky sound that could be heard whenever anyone walked and right now I was causing a lot of squeaking. The strong smell of disinfectant burning my nose but none of it matter right now not any of it.

We were now the only people really in the waiting room and none of us spoke. I think they were all concerned about me as much as they were about Nile. I hate this, all of it. I know that life is not always what you wanted, but damn it can it just go the way I want it to just once.

"Where is he?" I heard the voice and my blood immediately started to boil. I have only ever had one conversation with the woman but her voice was distinctive. It was just the right amount of irritating to make you want to punch a hole in the wall.

"Where's my daughter?" She just kept talking. "Why is no one speaking to me or answering any of my questions? Where are my kids?"

"You did this" was the last thing I said before I flew and was on top of his mom well his stepmom hitting her wildly, so much for not liking confrontation. Right now she was getting all of my anger. I hit her for every single bruise on Nile's body. I wanted her to feel what the hell she allowed to go on while she sat pretty in that house.

"Okay Panda, okay" In one calm swoop I was pulled off of his stepmother. They say you know you've lost your mind when you smile at violence. Right now I was beaming at having inflicted just a ration of the pain Nile was in. I've lost it.

" Lets go outside. I think you need some air." It wasn't until we started moving that I realized my dad was physical holding me up. When we reached outside the cool air was a welcome change from the stuffy hospital room. Setting me on my feet dad forced me to look up at him. "I need you to look at me." Cradling my face in his hands he held eye contact with me.

"I am your dad and I know that sometimes I act more like the child rather than the parent. But I am your dad and I don't like to see you hurting so tell me, tell me what I can do to make this even a little bit easier on you." His words sounded broken and I didn't want to cause him anymore hurt.

" I'm okay." I lied.

"I'm not going to call you on the fact that you just lied to my face because you're hurting. I chew you out about that tomorrow. Just know I love you and I am in your corner." With that he hugged me tightly wrapping me in his comfort. I definitely hit the dad Jackpot with this one.

"Now lets go back inside and you will not beat that woman's ass no matter how much she deserves it."