Changed me

Nightmares

Manny POV

In the moments following waking up from a nightmare a person goes through various emotions. The first is the rapid beating of your heart as you try to convince yourself that it was simply just a nightmare. It is the moment when you grasp at any and everything possible in order to connect back with reality. Your fingers graze across the surfaces of wherever you find yourself needing physical reassurance.

My fingers lingered on his, I could not bring myself to look at his face but the pressure of his hand returning my hold was slowly yanking me out of my nightmare. Before I could even relish the connection we were being ushered out of the room as the team of doctor and nurses bore through and everything happened in hyper speed. My back now collided with the blue door that housed my nightmare. The physical reassurance I was begging for manifested itself in the simplest of ways.

But my heart was still racing and my eyes could not quite focus on anything in particular. Everyone with me in the hallway seemed to be feeling the same way. No one wanted to say anything. No one wants to speak words of hope or fear. That is the thing about nightmares we think if we speak about them that they will continue to haunt us. We fear that we give power to the demons that fill our minds when we give name to them. Right now, no one wanted to express that there was a moment of hope unless we truly had confirmation.

The next moments following waking up from a nightmare is strangely going over the details of the nightmare. Going over the moment I found him and how cold his skin felt against my fingertips. How my body was on autopilot as I cried out for help. The moments driving to the hospital listening to nothing but the sound of my heart beat and my father's voice trying to reassure me. The God awful smell of disinfectant burning its way into my nose. The cold door bringing me back to this moment right now.

"He is awake." Three words. I wanted those three words. They slipped out so simply and as though it was a miniscule statement the doctor's face was unfazed. I watched the wrinkled face man with laugh lines by his mouth, an indication of what I assume to be a life spent smiling, as he spoke the three words that had the power to completely eradicate my living nightmare.

"He is awake." He repeated probably realizing that no one in our group so much as made a sound at his admission. We needed to hear it again because the thing about nightmares is that they don't ever seem to have a definitive end. A moment where your reassurance outweighs your fear. " We do not want to overwhelm him and he seems a bit tired but one person can go in a visit with him. We will be monitoring him and running some tests to check the swelling."

"Thank you doctor. We appreciate your team's hard work." My dad was the first person to recover from the shock of it all. His brain adapting to the sound of the words well before ours did and his body automatically resigning to his responsible nature. This was what he was good at, he handled everything. As if sensing my need for more reassurance he pulled me into his chest and held me. His peppermint scent overwhelmed me and I cried the tears I needed to.

" It's okay Panda, this part is over." I cried. The weight of the past three weeks had settled itself on my shoulders and as the tears fell the weight lifted. I cried for the boy who did not deserve to know anything but love , but had experienced so much hurt. I cried for myself for having doubted that what I felt in my heart was anything short of love. I cried.

"I'm going to go and visit with him."

" Yeah I think that's a good idea." Closing the blue door behind him Uncle Mike left us. There was nothing more that needed to be said in this moment.

"I think we should head home and gather some stuff together. We can call Lila and ask her to bring Aria by the house. I'm sure Nile is going to want to see her."