Luella

55 | paradox

L U E L L A

It's been less than two weeks since I've breathed properly.

Less than two weeks since I last spoke with Harry, my boyfriend -or, my ex now. I don't really know. I don't know what's taken control over my life and turned it into a rollercoaster. I've only had a few months out of the orphanage and I already had a boyfriend and now an ex, two jobs that I quit, and currently taking intensive courses with money that isn't mine.

That's emotion overload at its finest.

Speaking of emotions, mine were scattered all over the place and my heart was hissing with the satellite. It's hard to figure out what I feel and it's harder to figure out what he feels... although he had told me he loved me.

I'd put myself to somewhat of a deep sleep that infamous night after he left and slept off the drug. Although I had to run it out of my system by tons of water and pills Kate shoved downed my throat.

Amazing Kate. I hadn't only been ruining my own life flow, but also hers. My best friend stubbornly insisted on skipping work for a couple of weeks to "help me cope," but said I shouldn't feel bad about it because "she's sick of the work routine anyway, so why the hell not?"

"Kate, you should get back to work," I said for the millionth time in two weeks.

She gave me a ludicrous look. "And what, leave you moping around all by yourself? I wanna join. I need moping, too."

She, too, has a bit of a problem with Ben, but not as serious as last time and -thankfully- had nothing to do with mine and Harry's relationship. Or ex-relationship.

"No," I sighed. "I'm being a bad friend-"

"Yeah, by telling me to go to work, instead of having fun!"

"Fun?" I chuckled and plopped down next to her on the couch. "All we've done the past two weeks is binge series on Netflix and eat. Like, a lot. Especially that Ben and Jerry stuff."

I added the last sentence whilst grabbing the plastic tub of ice cream from her and digging in. Trying to sound nonchalant, I added, "I want to talk to him."

"To who?"

I rolled my eyes.

"Ah, yes. Harry The Lover." Kate mumbled. I sighed and handed her back the tub. "The guy told you he effin' loved you and literally ran off. And hasn't shown up since in two weeks!"

"I think he feels rejected, definitely hurt." I furrowed my eyebrows in thought and frustration at myself. "All he got in response was complete silence from me. I have to talk to him."

"I agree. And tell him what? That you love him back?"

"I don't know, Kate. All I know is that we have to talk this -whatever this is- out."

And that is why I haven't spoken to him for two weeks. It's why I'm avoiding the subject. I can't decide, if that is something that needs a decision, anyway. I can't force my heart to answer that complicated question. Because, do I love him? Do I not?

I definitely cannot tell him I do when I'm not sure. I just don't know. My head hurts when I think about it. Thing is, I don't know what love really is. I only know that I've never felt this way for anyone before and it's frightening so my walls are gradually building themselves back up.

I never had anyone show me what it feels like. I never had parents or anyone close enough to utter the word -except for Cecilia who only cared for me. I have nothing to compare what I feel for Harry to.