Goodnight. - Min Yoongi

30

Sunday, December 24, 2017

2:24 am

You just hold on to him, the unsettling tension was unbearable. Even with the pressure squeezing your chest, making breathing even harder, you try to stand your ground and bore your eyes into those dark orbs of his. They were just staring you down, each passing minute felt like his superiority was growing but the sadness in them still weighed him down, grounding him to reality.

"What's wrong Yoongi?" You asked once more, stepping to close the tiny space. Even with little movement, he flinched. Expecting his walls coming up to guard him, you relate to him so much. If you were in his place, you would do the same, guarding yourself, don't show weakness, dismiss the situation and never let anyone in to affect you emotionally. You're naturally like that, it was your defence mechanism and knowing Yoongi, he's the same. But even understanding his situation didn't help, you could feel him slipping away and that hurts you so much. Yoongi was the first person you let in, you fell in love with and got emotionally attached to, seeing him detached like this even though you opened yourself for him just pained you in a way that you never felt before. You closed your eyes because you knew tears will begin to form if you continue staring at him like that. Your head hung low, regretting letting the hurt affect you.

Your two hands slowly loosen their grips, his cold hand slipping off. Suddenly, you felt a harsh pull to you and you snapped your eyes open. Landing on his chest, he placed your delicate hands on his back then wrapped his arms around you. The embrace was intense, he was crushing you, though you didn't mind. This was a new side to him, vulnerable and weak that he only shows to you. With the tightness of his grip, you know that he was defenseless to your response, defenseless to his demons, defenseless to the hurt and all he's doing is...depending on you. He's seeking comfort and you don't want to let him down.

Returning the same force he's using, you closed off any space between you two. Your back arched to fit in him, his body slouched and his head buried in the curve of your neck. Letting him settle in your touch, you whispered to him gently "Yoongi. It's okay, I'm sorry." Your voice was sincere but your mind screamed 'Don't leave me. Don't let me go.' but in that moment, you understood that all the Yoongi needs were consideration and understanding. If what he needs is to leave then...you'd give it to him.

"I'm sorry..." He finally spoke, his voice faint and shaky even though his mouth is near your ear. It broke your heart hearing him like this.

You shush him, running a light glide on the outline of his small waist "It's okay-." Cutting you off, he continued "I'm sorry that...I ruined this. It was going great, today was great. I had so much fun with everyone, I haven't had this much fun in years, I haven't laughed this hard in so long. It's amazing, everyone's amazing and most importantly you're amazing, you're here with me...in my arms. I've dreamt about this day for a while now. I realized I've had feelings for you even before and that all I want is to hold you. I want you so bad but...I know I can't have you. I don't deserve you. You're literally an angel, with your white outfit in the airport, you were just glowing the whole day. I feel nervous when you look at me innocently with those eyes of yours. I feel happy whenever you do something cute. I feel...warm whenever I hold your hand. You're taking over my thoughts and I couldn't last a day without even leaving you a message anymore. You're too good for me. Am I selfish for wanting you to be mine?". Joy exploded inside of your chest, it already felt tight but now it was just suffocating you. You felt beyond touched by his words and it made you pressed yourself, even more, to him. You listened to him without interruption.

"I... am so selfish. I want to have you for myself. I want to take care of you all the time, to protect you, hug you, hold you. I want to talk to you all day without ever stopping. I want to call you so that whenever I say something dirty or embarrassing, I would see your blush. I want to joke with you so that I could hear you laugh. I want to make so many songs for you. God, I want to rest on your head when you leaned on me when you fell asleep. I feel so tired and drained a while ago and you're the most comforting person that makes me want to sleep, but I can't. I can't do that. I want to give you everything...but...I can't..." He breathes out and lifted his head up. Staring down at the floor, he said "I can't give you everything you want. I can't give you everything you need. I don't deserve you." You caressed his face and lifted it to face you, you replied back as you stare at him "No don't say that. I don't deserve anything. You're enough for me." Yoongi hesitantly said, lost and confused "But it's true. I can't give you-" you stopped him by holding on to his shoulders and gripped onto them firmly "Min Yoongi. You gave me happiness. You taught me how to feel. You made me laugh and feel loved. You can't give me everything because I don't want everything. I want you." these words spilt out your mouth, you meant every single one of them.

His eyes glimmer, a moment of hope shine in them but he raised his arms and took your hands off his shoulders. The lack of affection after your confession hurts you but you're too worried about his reaction. You felt empty as he let go of your hands, letting it fall to your sides. Avoiding your gaze, the silence in the room was filled with unspoken stories, secrets and feelings that he wants to say. You waited for him to say something. And when he did, rather than warming your heart, it ended up sending a shiver down your spine.

"You don't want me Y/N. I would only give you pain and suffering. I would only hurt you if you continue to come closer to me. You don't want me, I'm a disturbed broken piece of shit that isn't worth anything compared to you. You wouldn't want me at all Y/N. You know why I have insomnia? You know why I can't sleep without those goddamn pills knocking me out? It's because I dream about that night every time I sleep without the pills. I always get nightmares about the night that I...

I...I killed my own family. I fucking killed my own family."