CONFESSIONS.

036.

This is something I said for another confessions book.

You know when someone tells you to get over something and move on or change yourself and stuff? That’s when I turn the phone off. Because that’s how I can shut people off. But I can’t switch my brain off right? The thoughts starts creeping in. I get a cup of coffee and take my medicine.

For a person who is dealing with two demons at the same time (accute anxiety and depression), everyday is like lifting heavy weights, running, mountain biking, bunjee jumping, swimming, sky diving, falling off a cliff…etc, MENTALLY. While the person sits in one place the whole day and the remaining time in bed not wanting to get up ever again. This is everyday for me. Depression is not caring about anything at all, and anxiety is caring too much. And having both, ironically, is a nightmare. For me, my mind is split into two halves. The anxiety half worries constantly about every aspect of my life (from health, image, to relationships) where the other half is too exhausted and worn down to do much about it. like covering your face with some kind of invisible mask. I have to show other people that I’m fine, completely functional and capable of finishing all the tasks, while the reality is I’m a completely vulnerable person who sometimes has to lock himself in a [bathroom] just to make sure the mask he wears doesn’t break loose and expose his true self. I have three kinds of people around me. There are friends who have stopped talking to me because they think I have an ‘attitude’ problem. Because I take them for granted. Because I cancel the meetings and don’t turn up. Fair enough. They don’t know therefore I don’t blame them. Then there are the ones who know about the struggle and keep telling to ‘be happy’, ‘get out of it’, ‘don’t let your anxiety push people away’, ‘Can I be frank with you, don’t feel bad but’…..and the likes.

The third ones are the best. They accept the way I am and they UNDERSTAND.

If you ask me how I feel everyday, Well its something like my everyday is a Monday. It’s exhausting to the point where I just don’t want to open my eyes, don’t want to talk to anyone but be with someone at the same time. I want to stay in the bed but want to go out and breathe fresh air at the same time. It’s a living paradox. Constantly being held back from things you really do want to do. It’s not a switch that I can turn on or off. It’s beyond my control most of the times. And when you see me happy, that means I had managed to put the mask on.

Every time I close my eyes, I wish they never open again. I randomly start crying and get aggressive with the walls to the point that I end up having a bout with them. Though I never win. I want all this to end. I am too tired now.