Resentment [Jacquees]

12: I Feel Beautiful

This chapter was inspired by and named after the song "I Feel Beautiful" by Fantasia, if you listen to it before or during the reading it might give you a deeper understanding. Even if not it's still understandable. It'll be a little short but it's just a filler I'm already in the works of a longer chapter.

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"Never felt pretty enough, never felt sexy enough, never felt good enough..."
-Fantasia

Naimah

"Okay, so Ms. Taylor, how have you been since out last visit?"

"Good, in fact, doctor I have been amazing. Things have really been going well."

"Really?" Dr. Washington peered at me over the rim of her wire square framed glasses, "So, to what or whom is the joy responsible?"

"Jacquees." I replied with the brightest smile and the warmest feeling in my heart.

Dr. Washington gave this small smile and jotted a few notes.

"That seems wonderful, however, before I get this full story. You need to be that reason Naimah. He can be a source for you happiness but only you can be reason of the true happiness."

"How do I do that?"

"Let go of those past demons and resents you're harboring."

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It's been about a week since my last therapy session and all I've been thinking about is what Dr. Washington told me. Itms true I need to take control of my own happiness but I don't even know when or how I should do that.

I was in my car on my way home from class when my phone started ringing. It was an unsaved number but it looked vaguely familiarly so I decided to answer.

"You have a collect call from Georgia State Prison. Would you like to accept or deny?"

Prison? My initial thought was maybe it was Jacquees or Soraya's crazy ass so I accepted the charges, but I was not nearly ready for who was on the other line.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Naia?"

"Cayden?"

"Yes. It's me."

"What do you want? How did you get my number?" I choked up and gripped my steering wheel tightly.

"I hassled Cameron to give it to me. I just wanted to apologize. I don't know what came over me. Well, that's a lie, it was greed. Greed came over me. I thought about the money that was in it and not how much of a great person you always were to me. You don't have to accept this apology but I felt I needed to let you know."

"Wow. Cayden I'm at a loss for words, I didn't expect this. Thank you though, it means a little bit of something."

"Alright. You keep you head up and stay blessed."

"Thanks, you too, Cayden."

I pushed the button to end the call as I turned into the parking lot of my apartment complex. I parked my car in my designated spot, grabbed my bag and headed towards my apartment. As I approached the stairs I heard a familiar voice call me.
I stopped dead in my tracks and my palms began sweating. I grasped onto my purse tightly incase I had to use it for protection. While I pondered whether I'd run or turn around I heard footsteps behind me and before I could take off I felt the hands grabbed me.

I quickly jacked away and turned around to face my fears.

"What do you want, Cameron?!"

"Look, Naimah, I'm not here to argue or hurt you anymore. I just want to apologize. I miss you."

"I don't need any fucking apologies from you! And I damn sure do not miss your ass."

"How could you mean that? I was your everything." He chuckled putting his hands in his pockets.

Is this nigga serious? Who does he think he is?

"I cannot believe you have the audacity to think you still have any relevance in my life! You ain't shit Cameron!"

"No, bitch, YOU ain't shit. You'll never be shit. There will never be another nigga who can love you like me. Your mama didn't love you, your daddy didn't, nobody loved or wanted you Naimah. I came here trying to be at least cordial but fuck it Naia, you're always trying me! You are mine, and mine only. I'm not gon put my hands on you because I'm trying to change but I know you'll be back soon, you aren't shit without me."

I don't know what took over me but with all of my might I drew my hand back and smacked him as hard as I can. The way he gripped his face with his hands it must have hurt, but not as possibly as much as he thought his words would hurt. Tears began streaming down my face but they didn't feel like anger. They felt more like relief. For the first time his words didn't hurt me.

"No, Cameron. I don't need you. I don't need a damn thing from you. You don't control me! You may have broken me over and over before but that shit is done with. You can't bring me down. My mother couldn't, my daddy can't no mother fucker walking this Earth can! Cameron, I was there for you through everything! You took me for granted and treated me like shit!"

"You tried to break me down and take away my soul with your strikes and words but not any more! Not today, tomorrow, never again! I know my worth now Cameron! And I am worth so much more than you'll ever comprehend or be able to understand. I realize how beautiful and rare I am, and in a way I can think your bitch ass actions for that. Thank you for being such a pessimistic asshole causing me to wake the fuck up and realize I'm priceless. You never deserved me. You never will and you'll never get me."

"Because of you I was scared of the world, but baby, I am fearless now. I feel beautiful and free and like a diamond. And you know what else? I'm in love. I have the greatest man in the world, a real man. So I guess I can thank you for showing me what I don't need. You can exit this property and my life, for good."