You & him

37: Every breath I take

The cry that escaped my mouth was a cry I never heard come from a human, a cry of so much despair and sadness I didn't even recognize I was the one making the sound. Millions of arms grabbed me, latching onto my arms and legs as I was dragged away from Ben, dragged away from him. The flat line still filled my ears, and it wouldn't go away. They tried shocking him, 3 times, 4.

5

But he still lay there

The sound wouldn't go away

I screamed again, tears poured down my face in waterfalls, landing on the hospital gown. Sadness filled me instantly, to the point I couldn't even remember what it was like to live. To be happy

Tell me this was a dream

Tell me that I was imaging all this.

I crumbled to the ground, wailing like a baby, like I just lost the love of my life. I just lost the boy who meant everything to me, everything and more.

"Death, 9:08 am"

They scribbled it on a notepad, a look of sadness on the doctors face but I knew it was fake. They didn't know him, they couldn't possibly understand the pain I was feeling rush through my body all at once.

Dear God, send him back to me... please

One moment I was laying there, and the next I was standing, angry and mad as I ran to His room, after that it was all mixed together. Maybe it was sadness and devastation that made me do it, what made me push him clear across the room, yelling and screaming about how it was all his fault. 

HE TOOK HIS LIFE

he took my life

Colton would never redeem himself, not from me anyways. No way will he ever get my forgiveness.  The fact that he was so stupid to have driven when he was drunk, how stupid does one have to be? To risk other people's lives just because ones too dense? ITS NOT FAIR

Right now, I didn't even know what my life would be like. Chaos. I just wanted him back, I needed him back.

This life I was living was no longer the life I wanted to live, not with him gone anyways.

Why do good people die, it's just not fair, not right. But I guess Life isn't fair.

         *^*^*^£^£€£

Macaroni and cheese. That's what I ate when I returned home 1 day later.  My mom was downstairs, she was a mess as well. The moment I returned I retreated to my bedroom, folding myself up in my blankets and let the tears flow. I had our whole life planned, marriage and being the parents to 3 kids. It was the perfect life with my best friend, and now I didn't know what I was going to do.

My eyes landed on Ben's pocket knife in the corner, my hands clung to his sweatshirt I was wearing, his smell still attached to the material. For moment I debated on ending it here, going to meet Ben in heaven.  I actually thought about it, but I knew I didn't have the strength to do that. Ben would want me to be happy. I know he would.

Ben's mom gave me the majority of his clothes, and to me each piece of material had it's own memory. This sweatshirt is the one he wore on that night we played in the rain, sophomore year. He wore it the most, this is the one I would wear when we would cuddle. 

My eyes were just as puffy as they were days ago, of course now it was from the tears. The tears never stoped, I haven't got an hour of sleep since he died. I can't imagine that I ever will now that he won't be laying next to me.

Please tell me it will get better

Please tell me my life won't be like this until I die

Please tell me that Ben is still here

He is

He's in my bed when I remember all the times he spent the night

He's in my kitchen while I make macaroni and cheese

He's in my car when I'm driving to school

He's in every corner of my mind, in every breath I take

Ben fueled me, he made me believe that I was worth everything, that I was the most beautiful girl in the planet.

Ben was the reason I smiled

He was the reason I laughed

Benedict Marshall will forever and always be the man I loved, even death can't take that away from me.